Experts Agree!

There are foods that can result in better sex!  And we are not just talking about oysters…these are everyday foods that can actually make a difference. So read on and discover these indulgances for improving your relationship and enriching your marriage!

David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding, co-authors of the national bestselling book Eat This, Not That!, tell how you can revitalize your sex life and reinvigorate your relationship.

Consuming  filling foods with fewer calories will help you begin to shed weight that’s dragging down your desire. Then,  foods that contain ingredients and nutrients that strategically boost sexual attraction and performance will help you squeeze even more satisfaction out of each and every sexual encounter.

Insurance for Men:

 Smoothie for Him

1 cup blueberries
1 cup vanilla yogurt
2 Tbsp flaxseeds
1 cup orange juice
1 cup ice

It’s loaded with two of the most potent circulation enhancers out there: soluble fiber and antioxidants. Soluble fiber helps push excess cholesterol through your digestive system before it can be broken down, absorbed, and deposited along the walls of your arteries. Antioxidants attack free radicals before they have the chance to lower nitric oxide levels. And since nitric oxide helps deliver oxygen to your blood, the higher the level, the better the erection bloodflow.

Smoothie for Her

2 shots of espresso (or 6 ounces of strong coffee)
1 cup skim milk
2 Tbsp dark chocolate syrup
1 cup crushed ice

Coffee increases bloodflow to your genitals, making sensitive nerve endings more easily accessed and stimulated. A Southwestern University study even found that female rats wanted more sex after a shot of caffeine. Add to that a big hit of calcium, another important contributor to effective bloodflow, and a swirl of chocolate, which contains a host of chemicals to brighten your mood, including anadamine, which targets the same receptors as THC, and phenylethylamine, which produces a cozy, euphoric feeling. It’s no wonder a new Italian study of 163 women shows that those who regularly eat chocolate report enhanced sex drive and sexual satisfaction.

What could be a more A+ romantic idea and romantic gesture than fixing smoothies for each other?  Watch for our “Part Two” on Food for better sex later this week! ENJOY!!

When Relationships are a Puzzle

Over time in a relationship, you become comfortable with each other and flow along with shared interests and activities.  At some point, though, circumstances change, and fireworks – or an argument – arises. The relationship moves into a dangerous time of conflict. 

Ultimately, the issue is resolved or forgotten, and you return to a new level of shared experience and a mutually satisfying relationship.  That may be what your head tells you, but how does your heart deal with the moment of time when you are caught in this puzzle, and can’t see the future? How does your heart feel, when you are are in a daily routine, with no expectation of change.

The relationship path is predictable in its general shape, but in any moment it is truly unpredictable. Does one ever know whether the next moment brings reassurance or surprise? No, so a good partner is constantly aware of circumstances, as well as the needs of self and other.

When things are calm, it is easy to fall into habits . We can ignore our relationship because it is pretty much the same as it was before.  And we can thrive in that comfort zone – at least for a while.  Sometimes though, we need to be critical of our own assumptions. We need to think carefully and clearly about what we see and what it means. We need to communicate with each other to test our assumptions.

In times of conflict  in your relationship,  just being aware may not be enough.  And making a decision in the midst of uncertainty can feel like standing on the edge of cliff and stepping off into empty space. We don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know how our partner will respond to our actions, and we have no idea what other factors might affect us.

So how do you thrive during times of conflict? Or comfort?

We never know for sure. Nevertheless, we must act. To stand in inaction, frozen in fear of the unknown, is to lose the opportunity to engage in the learning and growth of  our relationship.

So maybe it is just a decision to be ready and eager to step off the cliff and into the unknown. To know that whatever surprises the future holds, you can meet them with open eyes, thoughtful meaning , and sufficient courage to thrive on the shifting complex landscape of improved relationships.  Maybe, after all, it is all about choice and attitude!  And the desire to take adaptive action, and engage with the emerging changes in your relationship.

Is it all the recent rain – or is it your relationship that needs some sunshine?

Sometimes, rain or shine, you just need to get out on a date! Maybe it is time to do something different.  There are lots of fun activities in the summer in the Twin Cities.  You can do some web searches, talk to friends, or just log on here and look for some fresh date ideas…this week with an emphasis on MUSIC!

Coming soon….

Check out the Twin Cities Jazz Festival June 17 -19 at Mears Park in St. Paul

You could enjoy a relaxing date with a sit and stroll while listening to fabulous music.  Friday afternoon, the music starts at 4 p.m. on the Main Stage with Story City. There will be an additional stage, the Sixth Street Stage, with more live music on Friday night as well, featuring Pete Whitman’s X-tet and Aakash Mittal. The Main Stage headliner for the evening is Joe Lovano with Us Five starting at 8:30. 

Mears Park

Saturday the 19th includes a concert at noon on the Main Stage. Highlights for Saturday include such giants as saxophonist Bobby Watson at 4 p.m., John Ellis & Double-Wide at 6, then the main attraction at 8:30 featuring guitar virtuoso John Scofield.

Also on Saturday, a third stage is added, presented by the Dakota Foundation for Jazz Education. This stage features the BFGS Quartet, and a number of student jazz groups from the area.

Or flip the memorable possibilities and try a new style together – Country!

Check out Toby Keith’s I Love this Bar & Grill for a little country fun! The vibrant atmosphere would shake off the cloudiest blues. The website shows their upcoming event, including Accoustic guitar with Tim Siegler on June 21^st!  You’ll find it in the newly reborn “West End” of St. Louis Park – if you haven’t been recently you’ll find the area looking quite different! 

For those die hard rock fans who like their relationship renewal in a comfort zone, a good date night can be found between First Avenue and Hard Rock Café downtown Minneapolis .  Check out the live music on June 18^th with Big City.

Revist First  Avenue if it has been awhile. It’s been the Twin Cities Danceteria since 1970!

Check out Delta Spirit, Lookbook, or Fujun on Friday; or  the JayHawks, Haunted House, or HollyGoLightly and the BrokeOff’s on Saturday.  Or visit their full June Calendar to find your perfect date! 

Can’t you just feel the fresh sunshine of new experiences creating a new Date Night like you’ve never had before?  Of course – you also need to remember that you can find your own unique Romantic Adventure with Out of The Box Dates.  That makes for an exciting and fun date night any time – with no waiting lines!  Enjoy!

Hints & Hotspots to Help You

Have you ever heard of Dr. Pepper Schwartz? She’s a Sociology prof at the Univ of Washington, and a sexologist who has written 12 books and is a leading industry expert on relationships.  She has some effective tips on staying married, which we are going to pair up with some exciting Twin Cities hotspots for date nights. You can earn an A+ in Romantic Ideas!

Hint #1

Don’t try to persuade your spouse that you are right; instead look for a comfortable middle ground.

HotSpot #1

Perhaps finding a good spot for a comfortable conversation would be helpful?  Try  Piccolo in south Minneapolis – voted Best New Restaurant by City Pages in April.  They believe in enhancing the dining experience with variety in small tastes and healthier eating. Now that is romantic advice!

Hint #2

If you find either of you are getting defensive in conversations, take responsibility and suggest a do-over. This can make it easier for either of you to admit you’re are wrong.

HotSpot #2

Suggest a do-over in a wide open place – perhaps a park with ample walking time to help you both keep your cool!  You may have a favorite neighborhood park, or for something new, visit Ft.Snelling State Park.  Just off 494 by the airport, you can’t miss with hiking on Pike Island, swimming or walking the beach of Snelling Lake, or canoeing on Gun Club Lake.  Be corny and stop in the Thomas C. Savage Visitor Center for a memento of your day and maybe a fridge magnet to represent your new efforts to communicate defenselessly. Now that is a  cheap date night!

Hint #3

 Affection isn’t just about sex – it’s about hugging and holding hands too. Share a smile, a kiss, or a hug at the end of the day.

HotSpot #3

What better place to rekindle romance than walking hand in hand through a winery, on the gorgeous 55-acre grounds if Chateau St. Croix (complete with a carriage house, stables, gardens, and a fishing pond). Schedule a tour and learn about winemaking, or sign up for their Tuscan Vine & Dine evening on June 11^th or the Marseille and French Riviera Vine & Dine evening on June 25^th.  Have fun!

So try our hotspots, check out Dr. Schwartz’s book, “The Love Test: romance and relationship self-quizzes”, and consider an Out of the Box Date for a romantic adventure!  Watch your marriage endure!

Two Romantic Twin Cities Destinations

Every relationship needs stretching from time to time.  Think about it as if you are taking your daily commute via a completely different route. You see things right around home that you hadn’t noticed before, or from a different angle.  Take a new view of each other by trying something you’ve never done together before.  We have two very different destinations that could provide just the spark you two could use!

Try an artsy collaboration!  The enticement is not to BE artsy, but rather, to try something different, something new, where you just enjoy the act of collaboration!

Twin Cities Destination? Mosaic on a Stick.   It is a community classroom, mosaic supply store, and studio.  Join your spouse by taking a class, or check their website for their “open” days, where for a small fee you get supplies and free reign to make whatever mosaic comes to mind, after sifting through tiny cubes of ceramic tile, beads, and other fascinating tidbits.  Together you could create your own work of art to celebrate yourselves or a special occasion. Or sign up for a class together!

Do you two have more of an outdoors yearning? What better way to be romantic than to search for hidden treasurer together!  Find marriage enrichment by joining the craze for geo-caching.

One of the best ways to explore this together is at Ft. Snelling State Park. They offer 1 hour classes on geo-caching basics, and have 25 GPS units that you can check out to try your new skills together.  It’s an excuse for a romantic stroll…with a purpose! You can cut your geo-cache teeth on their current Wildlife Safari challenge in all the MN State parks.

Any time spent truly together is an excellent romantic destination. Whether it is a super cheap date night running errands together (without the radio playing), or taking a walk around the block at sunset, or taking a fun shower together, it is a successful romantic destination that could give you a new view on your relationship.  So start stretching! Who knows where these A+ Romantic ideas could take you!

Looking for a guarantee – on the rosy relationship path?

The truth is, you cannot anticipate possible shocks to the relationship.  You cannot control the free will of your partner.  In essense, the future is unknowable. 

 Nevertheless, you feel compelled to make decisions, even take action, to achieve your rosy picture.  But your understanding of what could become a relationship issue is incomplete and your picture of the future is fuzzy.  What are your choices when you’re confronted with relationship uncertainty?

You might assume all you need to do is some mental preparation:  a thoughtful (or obsessive!) list of scenarios that could happen in the relationship and then thinking through how you will respond to each of these possible scenarios.  (Raise your hand if you have done that in the middle of the night!!) Name your worst fear, right?!

Can you prepare yourself for the bumps in your relationship?  Are there steps you can take that willl decrease any surprises?  The problem is that when you are in a relationship, no doubt complex, this kind of planning, intended to reduce your uncertainty, can actually increase your risk of failure.

As you invest time and resources into imagining the unknowable, opportunities sweep right past you.  As you strive to control the uncontrollable, you miss weak signals that hint at winning strategies.  As you plan for an unpredictable future, you are helpless in response to the present.

 There is a concept, called Adaptive Action that is based on the idea that you can’t wait to know before you act, because you can’t know until you act. (From The Social Psychology of Organizing  - ok, maybe not your typical relationship handbook, but some good points apply!)

Adaptive action involves three simple questions:  “What?”  “So what?”  And “Now What?”  

What is going on?  What patterns do you see in your relationship?  What seems to be constant, and what is changing? 

 So what does it mean?  What do you think the implications are of what you observed?  Are there unusual conditions shaping the patterns you observe, or rather not unusual, but perhaps slowly changing the “pattern” that you would prefer in your relationship?  Perhaps there are several interpretations – be open.  Then think of a few options for what you would change.

Now, what will you do to shift the pattern?  What are pros and cons of your options?  What is within your ability, your influence?  How will you know whether the action you might choose is successful?  And consider, when will you revisit your observations and options, and continue with adaptive action?

Sound easy? The challenge comes when day-to-day life distracts, or when your desire to predict and control distorts your views. But the positive results from organizing your stressful or worrisome thoughts into productive adaptive action will make your approach more agile, and help you deal with the uncertainty that sometimes comes with complex relationships. 

Relationship Shockers can always happen. But with an adaptive action approach, really looking at the paths and patterns of the relationship in the “now”, you can make a difference in affecting the changes in a realistic way.  You may find a healthy path replaces a rosy path — an A+ romantic idea!

Sure, there are many causes of a broken heart…

…but we would be willing to bet that often they begin or end with indifference.   This lazy offender usually takes hold of only one spouse in a marriage, but it’s attacks deeply wound the other. 

Sometimes the killer of relationships isn’t a lack of trust, a lack of communication or arguing with your significant other. It’s simple indifference.

A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It can survive the death of parents or the birth of a child. It can survive layoffs and career changes, of going back to school, or buying your first home together. It usually can survive the wedding, one of the most stressful things adults go through in their lives!  It can sometimes even survive an indiscretion.

Successful couples don’t always agree, but they let each other know what’s going on in their lives, and how they’re feeling (especially when their partner does something that sparks a particular emotional response in the other person). Relationships can even survive with poor communication.

What a relationship has real difficulty surviving is when two people have fallen into “autopilot” mode and become indifferent toward one another. Giving up entirely, when you feel nothing toward the other person, that’s a difficult thing to come back from. Communication appears to be taking place, but it’s just shallow talk — like two acquaintances who just met on a plane.

Think about it. Even when we argue, we communicate with the other person — we express our disappointment, hurt or anger for some perceived slight or harm. When we distrust our significant other (for whatever reason), it hurts because we care enough to want to trust them in the first place. Cheating hurts most people not because of the act itself, but because of the basic violation of trust and respect in the relationship. The fact that it hurts, however, signals we care. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt us.

Indifference is not caring what the other person does in the relationship. There are no arguments, so everything may appear okay on the surface. Arguing stops because you don’t care if you are right or wrong.  You don’t feel hurt by your spouse’s words or actions. Trust isn’t an issue, because you don’t care about earning or having mutual trust.

You interact every day in a vacuum where everything seems okay, because neither of you cares whether it is or not. It’s a perfect illusion that you both have silently agreed to live. Underlying causes of indifference can include simple loss of hope. Trying to connect and getting no response.  It leads to learned “helplessness” when you just can’t get any response from your partner after repeated efforts with no result.  So it’s not a relationship at that point anymore. And it’s hardly living.

Ideally, relationships help us not only love another human being, but grow as a person. They teach us lessons about life that otherwise would be difficult to learn, lessons about communication, listening, compromise, and at times giving selflessly of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Of learning to live with another human being and all that entails.

When we’ve closed ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring. We’ve shut off growth. We’ve shut off learning. And we’ve shut off life.

Indifference doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, however. If caught early enough, it’s a warning sign that something has gone horribly awry with the relationship, with caring about the other person. If both people in the relationship notice the warning signs and seek help (for instance, with a couples counselor), there’s a good chance the relationship can survive — if both become aware and want change.

Beware indifference in a relationship. If your automatic response to your significant other’s question always seems to be, “Whatever,” that may be a sign that it’s creeping up on you. If you still care about the other person in your life and your relationship’s future, you’ll pay attention to the signs…and take action.

For more background information: 5tweetsretweet  with Dr. John Grohol (CEO and founder of Psych Central). http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/28/how-indifference-can-kill-a-relationship/

Or is Your Marriage Good Enough…

Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.

 Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”

This fascinating take on evaluating your own marriage really is thought provoking. Our first reaction is that we are WAY BETTER than “good enough”.  Somehow the words “good enough” just don’t sound like the American Way.  But when you read the description – with words like “bored with their relationship” – should that lead to discarding a marriage?  Well, now it sounds a little too American;  if you don’t like it, throw it away and get another one! 

 It makes you wonder –a matter of asking yourself – am I being realistic about my expectations? Am I looking at what is motivating my expectations? Could I have a fixable marriage?

The truth is Perfection isn’t’ a reasonable expectation.  Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster), offers herself as an example. “In the early years of my marriage, I envisioned our lives as being joined at the hip. He didn’t,” she says. “At first I was miserable, but then I started going places by myself and I became much more independent. I never, ever would have done that had it not been for his stubbornness.”  Not to say that everyone has to become more independent, but rather we as individuals can learn from situations in a way that allows both partners to be stronger.  Much better than holding each other back!

There are 10 key questions you should read, about understanding your marriage.  They are from a fascinating article:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=23577452&GT1=32023

…which is well worth the read.  Here are just a few examples with the first 3 questions:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? Or because you’re convinced it’s the best you can do?

And consider that a marriage is constantly moving and changing. It is not a static state of perfection!   Looking at your own expectations, seeing what would change if your expectation was different, could be a huge step towards “good enough” and happiness.  Now that could be an A+ romantic idea!

Giving the Gift of your Attention in 3 Steps

Think of all the requests for your time, attention, and focus. Do you give yours away, wasting this precious resource?  We all feel it – the constant demand for our attention, the feeling of not having enough time.  We risk feeling overloaded, distracted, or just stressed out.  But our attention is our own precious resource. Do you notice where you spend yours?

Of course you have to spend your focus, your attention, on the daily requirements like your job, your commute, the things you must do. And there is no denying that keeping your bills paid and your boss happy does make the world go around. 

But in those other hours, the time you can call your own, is your attention focused on what is important to you?

 Do you reserve some focus for your relationship?  Or do you find you are distracted, spending time instead on social media, primetime’s latest thriller, or guilty pleasures like Sudoku or updating your choice list on Netflix?

If the time you spend on things defines you, have you defined what is important to you? There are just a few steps to making sure you decide where your focus is spent, and not have other attention grabbers defining you without your conscious decision.

1.  Limit the attention grabbers. Whether it is reading the latest news, browsing blogs, or updating facebook, make yourself choose how important it is in your life. Cut yourself off at 5 minutes! Make a choice for what is important.

2.  Choose what defines you. Real conversation with your spouse says a lot more about what is important to you.  Consciously decide that focused conversation with each other is important to your relationship.

3.  Become aware of distractions. Notice what pulls you away from what you decide is important. Have you stopped going to the gym together?  Not enough time to share each other’s day over coffee? Be aware so that you make a conscious decision to change and not let a missed promise to each other turn into a slowly changing, unnoticed distraction habit or pattern.

So give yourself a Time Out for your Relationship!  Notice your daily frantic pace, distraction or lack of focus. Spend your most precious resource on what is important to you – focus on your Relationship!  That daily point of focus –on each other — can give meaning to your day, so that all the other frantic attention grabbers of your day keep their place!

Where do Relationships fall on the Worry-Meter?

In a recently conducted LHJ.com poll, they found that 18% of readers worry about their relationship. 

http://www.ladieshomejournal-digital.com/ladieshomejournal/200908?pg=47#pg47

Now maybe that doesn’t sound too earth-shattering. After all, 46% worry about their job. (Another good reason not to mix romance and work – it ups the worry-anti to 64%)!  But what if you are in that percentile currently worrying about your relationship?

The LHJ.com poll goes on to say that 33% of us cope with our worries by creating an action plan; 25% exercise, 25% pray, and 17% eat a pint of ice cream.

Maybe we could also “dissect” what we mean by relationship worries. Is the picture at the top what comes to mind when you think worry? Or is it more like:

and this:

The key thing to remember about “worry”, when added to “relationship”, is the lack of a couple in your picture.  Worry is in one mind, un-communicated, restless and tense.  That’s why the idea of an action plan to cope with your worries about your relationship is a great first step.  In setting up an action plan, you may find TALKing to him/her is right up there at the top of your list.

Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easier to worry and keep it to yourself.  To actually voice the worry, might mean you could hear a response, like bad news. You begin to worry about facing the results of talking to him/her.  But this is where you discover NOT facing your worry means

• irritability
• difficulty concentrating
• muscle tension
• headaches 
• insomnia

and the list could go on.  You have to make a choice. Live with the worry, or readjust your view, and begin to believe that tomorrow is more likely to bring something wonderful than something frightening. (The Worry Cure by Robery Leahy, Ph.D.)  http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=The+Worry+Cure

 So consider a personal worry action plan that includes talking with your spouse/partner/date about your concern.  You know him/her best, so think about the best way to handle it – with humor? With coffee? On a weekend get-away? On a walk?  You’ll know which approach feels right.

But, just in case your lover doesn’t even sense a concern, and you have to face the fact that you might just be a worrier…if you aren’t sure, sleep on it, try giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and if things still look the same in a couple of days, then decide whether or not you need to put that worry on the table.