Relationship Renewal!

Bursts of crimson, gold and orange still delight us with sudden color after the sameness of green foliage. Relationships can bring the same delight. Crisp fall days are made for relationship revivals. It’s the perfect time to plan a overnight get-away.

Bed and Breakfasts always jump to mind…and there is none better than the Out of The Box Date offering called Pillars of Love.  It’s a beautifully packaged romantic weekend at the lovely Pillar Inn in Cold Spring MN.

 Another idea? Homeaway.com gives you the chance to relax around a house with a twist – the novely of a house that isn’t yours, with the time to enjoy the amenties, read a book or take a nap without guilt.  You can rent a lovely home for a night or a weekend, with none of the long lists of things you need to do around your own home running through your head.  And even more delightful, many of Out of The Box Date adventures can go along with you! Try a log cabin on Lake Superior with it’s own semi-private island close to a casino. Or a cottage in Duluth with a private sand dune  just made for romantic beach walks in the fall.

Want a wild and crazy idea? This may take a little planning, but if you don’t mind a road trip or can find a great airfare, many ports on the east or west coast offer a Cruise to Nowhere.  You get great off-season prices on cabin’s for 1-3 day cruises with no ports of call (usually a repositioning for the ship).  You get to enjoy all the amenities of the cruise ship, while cruising nowhere! Sometimes it’s a transfer ship from one city to another. Sometimes they just cruise out for two days and return to the same port. But the prices can’t be beat, and you get to enjoy the spa, casino, multitudes of buffets, wave pools, movies, deck games, night shows and any specialties they offer like wine tastings.  Go wild and crazy!

Sometimes the ”short trip” planning can be more fun than a long vacation. It allows a change of pace that revitilizes you as a couple, leading to opportunities for new activities, and extra one on one time that comes with enjoying a get-a-way!! Enjoy your Fall Get-Away!!

We are all wondering about these whimsical summer evenings – 72 degrees some eves’, 62 others.  Does it make it hard to plana little couple-only time away? Not at all! You always deserve a date night, a relationship boost, a refreshing night of something different, unexpected or nostalgic…

While it may not always be warm enough for a hazy dreamy twilight walk and kiss, (at least this summer!) there are some lovely alternatives.  The UofM Showboat Theatre review is raving “a cut above”  for both the production and the acting talents of   ’The Demon Barber of Fleet Street’. What could be more novel than a theatre production on a floating showboat?!  It’s got date potential and will be playing all summer! Check out the other river cruises for their possibilities!

How about a bit of nostalgia?  Try Mini Golf!   The Adventure Gardens Mini Golf has 18 holes of miniature golf surrounded by attractive gardens, landscaping, waterfalls, ponds and streams.  It is located on the west edge of Veteran’s Memorial Park on 64th and Portland.

Perhaps some music outdoors at twilight will beguile you both into a summertime frame of mind?  The Music in the Zoo has tickets for many different July and August events. There is a little something for every musical taste – try the Monkey’s (for anyone who grew up in the 70′s!) to Los Lobos, or BoyzIIMen or HippieFest 2011, or Gaellic Storm! You can’t miss, it’s a guaranteed date night winner!

And if you are looking for a truly unique date, then go no further than Out Of The Box Dates.  You simply must try “Somethin’s Cooking” or “Let the Games Begin!” Check out all our dates, games, love notes or conversation cards. And then write us with your exceptional date experiences – we’d love to hear!

Don’t just let weekends fall to cleaning the garage and watching football. Spark your marriage with a weekend A+ Romantic idea!  Enrich your marriage mindfully with our Twin Cities destinations for romance and fun. What could be more romantic than heading back in time?

Take a stroll through the Renaissance Festival!  Open weeknds through Oct 1, you can spend the day or a few hours renewing your relationship. Try on a new role with each other, think “a simpler time” and join the fun at the Ale Festival this weekend!

The Royal Ale Festival will include Byggvir’s Big Beer Cup’s National Homebrew Competition, free beer tastings from Shell’s, a home brew demonstration, and much more. Byggvir’s Big Beer Cup features more than 250 beers from across the nation.

The festival is located on Hwy 169, three miles south of Shakopee.  Price of admission is $19.95 for adults.  Discount tickets are available at participating Super America and Walgreens stores.  Parking is free. 

Not in the mood for time travel? Then take your love to enjoy the end of summer at the last outdoor music festival!

The Concrete and Grass Music Festival, besides being one of the last festivals of the season, is certainly one of the most eclectic. This free outdoor event held at Mears Park, downtown Saint Paul is a unique partnership of the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, Minnesota Opera, Ordway Center, Schubert Club and the Twin Cities Jazz Festival.

On Friday the 10th and Saturday the 11th, the Concrete and Grass Festival takes to the outdoors with two stages in Mears Park. Friday night, the Main Stage gets things started with The Minnesota Opera at 5pm. Irv Williams takes the stage at 6:30, followed by the hip hop and soul stylings of Dessa at 8:30. Meanwhile on the Acoustic Stage, you can catch an acoustic set from Desdamona at 6pm, then Molly Maher at 7:30.

Saturday kicks off at noon on the Main Stage with Salsa del Sol followed by Schubert at 1:30, and Saint Paul Chamber Orchestra at 4pm. The evening features two established local rock acts. Communist Daughter hits the stage at 6:30, then at 8:30, catch the Suicide Commandos.

The Acoustic Stage includes performances by Eve & the Apple, Tanner Taylor, Moses Oakland, and Young Relics. You can read bios for all performers online if you’re curious. For a full schedule of performances and set times, visit the schedule page.

So make it a Romance Weekend with these fresh date ideas. Improve your relationship with the unexpected. And enjoy the weekend TOGETHER! 

Experts Agree!

There are foods that can result in better sex!  And we are not just talking about oysters…these are everyday foods that can actually make a difference. So read on and discover these indulgances for improving your relationship and enriching your marriage!

David Zinczenko and Matt Goulding, co-authors of the national bestselling book Eat This, Not That!, tell how you can revitalize your sex life and reinvigorate your relationship.

Consuming  filling foods with fewer calories will help you begin to shed weight that’s dragging down your desire. Then,  foods that contain ingredients and nutrients that strategically boost sexual attraction and performance will help you squeeze even more satisfaction out of each and every sexual encounter.

Insurance for Men:

 Smoothie for Him

1 cup blueberries
1 cup vanilla yogurt
2 Tbsp flaxseeds
1 cup orange juice
1 cup ice

It’s loaded with two of the most potent circulation enhancers out there: soluble fiber and antioxidants. Soluble fiber helps push excess cholesterol through your digestive system before it can be broken down, absorbed, and deposited along the walls of your arteries. Antioxidants attack free radicals before they have the chance to lower nitric oxide levels. And since nitric oxide helps deliver oxygen to your blood, the higher the level, the better the erection bloodflow.

Smoothie for Her

2 shots of espresso (or 6 ounces of strong coffee)
1 cup skim milk
2 Tbsp dark chocolate syrup
1 cup crushed ice

Coffee increases bloodflow to your genitals, making sensitive nerve endings more easily accessed and stimulated. A Southwestern University study even found that female rats wanted more sex after a shot of caffeine. Add to that a big hit of calcium, another important contributor to effective bloodflow, and a swirl of chocolate, which contains a host of chemicals to brighten your mood, including anadamine, which targets the same receptors as THC, and phenylethylamine, which produces a cozy, euphoric feeling. It’s no wonder a new Italian study of 163 women shows that those who regularly eat chocolate report enhanced sex drive and sexual satisfaction.

What could be a more A+ romantic idea and romantic gesture than fixing smoothies for each other?  Watch for our “Part Two” on Food for better sex later this week! ENJOY!!

When Relationships are a Puzzle

Over time in a relationship, you become comfortable with each other and flow along with shared interests and activities.  At some point, though, circumstances change, and fireworks – or an argument – arises. The relationship moves into a dangerous time of conflict. 

Ultimately, the issue is resolved or forgotten, and you return to a new level of shared experience and a mutually satisfying relationship.  That may be what your head tells you, but how does your heart deal with the moment of time when you are caught in this puzzle, and can’t see the future? How does your heart feel, when you are are in a daily routine, with no expectation of change.

The relationship path is predictable in its general shape, but in any moment it is truly unpredictable. Does one ever know whether the next moment brings reassurance or surprise? No, so a good partner is constantly aware of circumstances, as well as the needs of self and other.

When things are calm, it is easy to fall into habits . We can ignore our relationship because it is pretty much the same as it was before.  And we can thrive in that comfort zone – at least for a while.  Sometimes though, we need to be critical of our own assumptions. We need to think carefully and clearly about what we see and what it means. We need to communicate with each other to test our assumptions.

In times of conflict  in your relationship,  just being aware may not be enough.  And making a decision in the midst of uncertainty can feel like standing on the edge of cliff and stepping off into empty space. We don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know how our partner will respond to our actions, and we have no idea what other factors might affect us.

So how do you thrive during times of conflict? Or comfort?

We never know for sure. Nevertheless, we must act. To stand in inaction, frozen in fear of the unknown, is to lose the opportunity to engage in the learning and growth of  our relationship.

So maybe it is just a decision to be ready and eager to step off the cliff and into the unknown. To know that whatever surprises the future holds, you can meet them with open eyes, thoughtful meaning , and sufficient courage to thrive on the shifting complex landscape of improved relationships.  Maybe, after all, it is all about choice and attitude!  And the desire to take adaptive action, and engage with the emerging changes in your relationship.

Is it all the recent rain – or is it your relationship that needs some sunshine?

Sometimes, rain or shine, you just need to get out on a date! Maybe it is time to do something different.  There are lots of fun activities in the summer in the Twin Cities.  You can do some web searches, talk to friends, or just log on here and look for some fresh date ideas…this week with an emphasis on MUSIC!

Coming soon….

Check out the Twin Cities Jazz Festival June 17 -19 at Mears Park in St. Paul

You could enjoy a relaxing date with a sit and stroll while listening to fabulous music.  Friday afternoon, the music starts at 4 p.m. on the Main Stage with Story City. There will be an additional stage, the Sixth Street Stage, with more live music on Friday night as well, featuring Pete Whitman’s X-tet and Aakash Mittal. The Main Stage headliner for the evening is Joe Lovano with Us Five starting at 8:30. 

Mears Park

Saturday the 19th includes a concert at noon on the Main Stage. Highlights for Saturday include such giants as saxophonist Bobby Watson at 4 p.m., John Ellis & Double-Wide at 6, then the main attraction at 8:30 featuring guitar virtuoso John Scofield.

Also on Saturday, a third stage is added, presented by the Dakota Foundation for Jazz Education. This stage features the BFGS Quartet, and a number of student jazz groups from the area.

Or flip the memorable possibilities and try a new style together – Country!

Check out Toby Keith’s I Love this Bar & Grill for a little country fun! The vibrant atmosphere would shake off the cloudiest blues. The website shows their upcoming event, including Accoustic guitar with Tim Siegler on June 21^st!  You’ll find it in the newly reborn “West End” of St. Louis Park – if you haven’t been recently you’ll find the area looking quite different! 

For those die hard rock fans who like their relationship renewal in a comfort zone, a good date night can be found between First Avenue and Hard Rock Café downtown Minneapolis .  Check out the live music on June 18^th with Big City.

Revist First  Avenue if it has been awhile. It’s been the Twin Cities Danceteria since 1970!

Check out Delta Spirit, Lookbook, or Fujun on Friday; or  the JayHawks, Haunted House, or HollyGoLightly and the BrokeOff’s on Saturday.  Or visit their full June Calendar to find your perfect date! 

Can’t you just feel the fresh sunshine of new experiences creating a new Date Night like you’ve never had before?  Of course – you also need to remember that you can find your own unique Romantic Adventure with Out of The Box Dates.  That makes for an exciting and fun date night any time – with no waiting lines!  Enjoy!

Hints & Hotspots to Help You

Have you ever heard of Dr. Pepper Schwartz? She’s a Sociology prof at the Univ of Washington, and a sexologist who has written 12 books and is a leading industry expert on relationships.  She has some effective tips on staying married, which we are going to pair up with some exciting Twin Cities hotspots for date nights. You can earn an A+ in Romantic Ideas!

Hint #1

Don’t try to persuade your spouse that you are right; instead look for a comfortable middle ground.

HotSpot #1

Perhaps finding a good spot for a comfortable conversation would be helpful?  Try  Piccolo in south Minneapolis – voted Best New Restaurant by City Pages in April.  They believe in enhancing the dining experience with variety in small tastes and healthier eating. Now that is romantic advice!

Hint #2

If you find either of you are getting defensive in conversations, take responsibility and suggest a do-over. This can make it easier for either of you to admit you’re are wrong.

HotSpot #2

Suggest a do-over in a wide open place – perhaps a park with ample walking time to help you both keep your cool!  You may have a favorite neighborhood park, or for something new, visit Ft.Snelling State Park.  Just off 494 by the airport, you can’t miss with hiking on Pike Island, swimming or walking the beach of Snelling Lake, or canoeing on Gun Club Lake.  Be corny and stop in the Thomas C. Savage Visitor Center for a memento of your day and maybe a fridge magnet to represent your new efforts to communicate defenselessly. Now that is a  cheap date night!

Hint #3

 Affection isn’t just about sex – it’s about hugging and holding hands too. Share a smile, a kiss, or a hug at the end of the day.

HotSpot #3

What better place to rekindle romance than walking hand in hand through a winery, on the gorgeous 55-acre grounds if Chateau St. Croix (complete with a carriage house, stables, gardens, and a fishing pond). Schedule a tour and learn about winemaking, or sign up for their Tuscan Vine & Dine evening on June 11^th or the Marseille and French Riviera Vine & Dine evening on June 25^th.  Have fun!

So try our hotspots, check out Dr. Schwartz’s book, “The Love Test: romance and relationship self-quizzes”, and consider an Out of the Box Date for a romantic adventure!  Watch your marriage endure!

Two Romantic Twin Cities Destinations

Every relationship needs stretching from time to time.  Think about it as if you are taking your daily commute via a completely different route. You see things right around home that you hadn’t noticed before, or from a different angle.  Take a new view of each other by trying something you’ve never done together before.  We have two very different destinations that could provide just the spark you two could use!

Try an artsy collaboration!  The enticement is not to BE artsy, but rather, to try something different, something new, where you just enjoy the act of collaboration!

Twin Cities Destination? Mosaic on a Stick.   It is a community classroom, mosaic supply store, and studio.  Join your spouse by taking a class, or check their website for their “open” days, where for a small fee you get supplies and free reign to make whatever mosaic comes to mind, after sifting through tiny cubes of ceramic tile, beads, and other fascinating tidbits.  Together you could create your own work of art to celebrate yourselves or a special occasion. Or sign up for a class together!

Do you two have more of an outdoors yearning? What better way to be romantic than to search for hidden treasurer together!  Find marriage enrichment by joining the craze for geo-caching.

One of the best ways to explore this together is at Ft. Snelling State Park. They offer 1 hour classes on geo-caching basics, and have 25 GPS units that you can check out to try your new skills together.  It’s an excuse for a romantic stroll…with a purpose! You can cut your geo-cache teeth on their current Wildlife Safari challenge in all the MN State parks.

Any time spent truly together is an excellent romantic destination. Whether it is a super cheap date night running errands together (without the radio playing), or taking a walk around the block at sunset, or taking a fun shower together, it is a successful romantic destination that could give you a new view on your relationship.  So start stretching! Who knows where these A+ Romantic ideas could take you!

Looking for a guarantee – on the rosy relationship path?

The truth is, you cannot anticipate possible shocks to the relationship.  You cannot control the free will of your partner.  In essense, the future is unknowable. 

 Nevertheless, you feel compelled to make decisions, even take action, to achieve your rosy picture.  But your understanding of what could become a relationship issue is incomplete and your picture of the future is fuzzy.  What are your choices when you’re confronted with relationship uncertainty?

You might assume all you need to do is some mental preparation:  a thoughtful (or obsessive!) list of scenarios that could happen in the relationship and then thinking through how you will respond to each of these possible scenarios.  (Raise your hand if you have done that in the middle of the night!!) Name your worst fear, right?!

Can you prepare yourself for the bumps in your relationship?  Are there steps you can take that willl decrease any surprises?  The problem is that when you are in a relationship, no doubt complex, this kind of planning, intended to reduce your uncertainty, can actually increase your risk of failure.

As you invest time and resources into imagining the unknowable, opportunities sweep right past you.  As you strive to control the uncontrollable, you miss weak signals that hint at winning strategies.  As you plan for an unpredictable future, you are helpless in response to the present.

 There is a concept, called Adaptive Action that is based on the idea that you can’t wait to know before you act, because you can’t know until you act. (From The Social Psychology of Organizing  - ok, maybe not your typical relationship handbook, but some good points apply!)

Adaptive action involves three simple questions:  “What?”  “So what?”  And “Now What?”  

What is going on?  What patterns do you see in your relationship?  What seems to be constant, and what is changing? 

 So what does it mean?  What do you think the implications are of what you observed?  Are there unusual conditions shaping the patterns you observe, or rather not unusual, but perhaps slowly changing the “pattern” that you would prefer in your relationship?  Perhaps there are several interpretations – be open.  Then think of a few options for what you would change.

Now, what will you do to shift the pattern?  What are pros and cons of your options?  What is within your ability, your influence?  How will you know whether the action you might choose is successful?  And consider, when will you revisit your observations and options, and continue with adaptive action?

Sound easy? The challenge comes when day-to-day life distracts, or when your desire to predict and control distorts your views. But the positive results from organizing your stressful or worrisome thoughts into productive adaptive action will make your approach more agile, and help you deal with the uncertainty that sometimes comes with complex relationships. 

Relationship Shockers can always happen. But with an adaptive action approach, really looking at the paths and patterns of the relationship in the “now”, you can make a difference in affecting the changes in a realistic way.  You may find a healthy path replaces a rosy path — an A+ romantic idea!

Sure, there are many causes of a broken heart…

…but we would be willing to bet that often they begin or end with indifference.   This lazy offender usually takes hold of only one spouse in a marriage, but it’s attacks deeply wound the other. 

Sometimes the killer of relationships isn’t a lack of trust, a lack of communication or arguing with your significant other. It’s simple indifference.

A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It can survive the death of parents or the birth of a child. It can survive layoffs and career changes, of going back to school, or buying your first home together. It usually can survive the wedding, one of the most stressful things adults go through in their lives!  It can sometimes even survive an indiscretion.

Successful couples don’t always agree, but they let each other know what’s going on in their lives, and how they’re feeling (especially when their partner does something that sparks a particular emotional response in the other person). Relationships can even survive with poor communication.

What a relationship has real difficulty surviving is when two people have fallen into “autopilot” mode and become indifferent toward one another. Giving up entirely, when you feel nothing toward the other person, that’s a difficult thing to come back from. Communication appears to be taking place, but it’s just shallow talk — like two acquaintances who just met on a plane.

Think about it. Even when we argue, we communicate with the other person — we express our disappointment, hurt or anger for some perceived slight or harm. When we distrust our significant other (for whatever reason), it hurts because we care enough to want to trust them in the first place. Cheating hurts most people not because of the act itself, but because of the basic violation of trust and respect in the relationship. The fact that it hurts, however, signals we care. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt us.

Indifference is not caring what the other person does in the relationship. There are no arguments, so everything may appear okay on the surface. Arguing stops because you don’t care if you are right or wrong.  You don’t feel hurt by your spouse’s words or actions. Trust isn’t an issue, because you don’t care about earning or having mutual trust.

You interact every day in a vacuum where everything seems okay, because neither of you cares whether it is or not. It’s a perfect illusion that you both have silently agreed to live. Underlying causes of indifference can include simple loss of hope. Trying to connect and getting no response.  It leads to learned “helplessness” when you just can’t get any response from your partner after repeated efforts with no result.  So it’s not a relationship at that point anymore. And it’s hardly living.

Ideally, relationships help us not only love another human being, but grow as a person. They teach us lessons about life that otherwise would be difficult to learn, lessons about communication, listening, compromise, and at times giving selflessly of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Of learning to live with another human being and all that entails.

When we’ve closed ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring. We’ve shut off growth. We’ve shut off learning. And we’ve shut off life.

Indifference doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, however. If caught early enough, it’s a warning sign that something has gone horribly awry with the relationship, with caring about the other person. If both people in the relationship notice the warning signs and seek help (for instance, with a couples counselor), there’s a good chance the relationship can survive — if both become aware and want change.

Beware indifference in a relationship. If your automatic response to your significant other’s question always seems to be, “Whatever,” that may be a sign that it’s creeping up on you. If you still care about the other person in your life and your relationship’s future, you’ll pay attention to the signs…and take action.

For more background information: 5tweetsretweet  with Dr. John Grohol (CEO and founder of Psych Central). http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/28/how-indifference-can-kill-a-relationship/