You can’t reach what you don’t define!

Everyone believes in goals. You have to know what your goal is, and then take steps, mini-goals even, to help you achieve that goal.  It works for careers; it works for education. So how about a Love Goal? Why not take steps, to achieve the relationship you want.

Relationships can seem like a puzzle. And you aren’t sure what step to take next. Or you’ve been in it awhile, and you stopped looking for other pieces.  Don’t think of your relationship as a puzzle;  consider the time-honored success of setting a goal – your Love Goal.

Goals help you focus your time and efforts.  You achieve so much more than when you are unfocused.  Unfocused, diffused energy means just passing time as many people do with their relationships.  Goals help you establish priorites. Instead of just going with the flow and letting  other interests determine where you end up, you consciously decide which way to go.

A few hours of focused time, and you will see and feel the success of making your relationship a priority.

Simple goals:  Hold hands during a walk…find  a reason to encourage or compliment your partner…suprise them with their favorite piece of candy…decide together that you will take 2 hours each week to set your relationship goals or review them — and set new ones.

Goals provide a way to focus and concentrate your time and energy into carefully chosen targets that you designed or the two of you designed together, to make significant positive impacts in your relationship.

 Don’t wait another minute! Spend some time together and set a few small starter goals or a goal statement for your relationship renewal!

Find Balance!

Every relationship needs a tune-up. As with most things in life, paying attention, applying care, makes things last longer, and relationships are no exception.  Think of your relationship like a square – evenly balanced between 4 corners…..

It doesn’t matter which of the 4 corners are your strongest base in your relationship. What matters is you don’t want to be missing any one corner, leaving your square teetering on 3 sides, unbalanced.

Think of one corner as your similarities and differences.  In a healthy relationship, you need to be appreciative of your similarities and differences.  You need your similarities for cohesiveness as a couple. But you need your differences for new energy, a different way of looking at things – new ideas.

Another corner might be your interactions. It is all about talking and listening:  if one partner does more of the talking, decision making, etc, and the other at times unheard, then the relationship is unbalanced. Talking and listening allows the exchanges that help the relationship to grow, morph, deepen.

There also has to be a corner that is a kind of unique container to hold the relationship. It is the shared meaning of the relationship, coming from shared action and shared understanding. It is your unique signature, from being together.  You both have to feel engaged, even “productive” in the relationship. Celebrate your contributions to the “container”!

Finally, the last corner is simply the commitment to the success of the relationship – your “reason for being”.  It is the glue that holds you together.  If there is too much disagreement, too much wasted energy in conflicting activities, then you might not believe in your reasons for being together.  An acknowledgement, even a formal “meeting” from time to time, about your agreed commitment could be very fruitful and healthy.

When one of these points is out of balance, the relationship doesn’t function as well.  Consider using these 4 corner points as a tool to review your relationship, and talk with your partner.

When Relationships are a Puzzle

Over time in a relationship, you become comfortable with each other and flow along with shared interests and activities.  At some point, though, circumstances change, and fireworks – or an argument – arises. The relationship moves into a dangerous time of conflict. 

Ultimately, the issue is resolved or forgotten, and you return to a new level of shared experience and a mutually satisfying relationship.  That may be what your head tells you, but how does your heart deal with the moment of time when you are caught in this puzzle, and can’t see the future? How does your heart feel, when you are are in a daily routine, with no expectation of change.

The relationship path is predictable in its general shape, but in any moment it is truly unpredictable. Does one ever know whether the next moment brings reassurance or surprise? No, so a good partner is constantly aware of circumstances, as well as the needs of self and other.

When things are calm, it is easy to fall into habits . We can ignore our relationship because it is pretty much the same as it was before.  And we can thrive in that comfort zone – at least for a while.  Sometimes though, we need to be critical of our own assumptions. We need to think carefully and clearly about what we see and what it means. We need to communicate with each other to test our assumptions.

In times of conflict  in your relationship,  just being aware may not be enough.  And making a decision in the midst of uncertainty can feel like standing on the edge of cliff and stepping off into empty space. We don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know how our partner will respond to our actions, and we have no idea what other factors might affect us.

So how do you thrive during times of conflict? Or comfort?

We never know for sure. Nevertheless, we must act. To stand in inaction, frozen in fear of the unknown, is to lose the opportunity to engage in the learning and growth of  our relationship.

So maybe it is just a decision to be ready and eager to step off the cliff and into the unknown. To know that whatever surprises the future holds, you can meet them with open eyes, thoughtful meaning , and sufficient courage to thrive on the shifting complex landscape of improved relationships.  Maybe, after all, it is all about choice and attitude!  And the desire to take adaptive action, and engage with the emerging changes in your relationship.

Looking for a guarantee – on the rosy relationship path?

The truth is, you cannot anticipate possible shocks to the relationship.  You cannot control the free will of your partner.  In essense, the future is unknowable. 

 Nevertheless, you feel compelled to make decisions, even take action, to achieve your rosy picture.  But your understanding of what could become a relationship issue is incomplete and your picture of the future is fuzzy.  What are your choices when you’re confronted with relationship uncertainty?

You might assume all you need to do is some mental preparation:  a thoughtful (or obsessive!) list of scenarios that could happen in the relationship and then thinking through how you will respond to each of these possible scenarios.  (Raise your hand if you have done that in the middle of the night!!) Name your worst fear, right?!

Can you prepare yourself for the bumps in your relationship?  Are there steps you can take that willl decrease any surprises?  The problem is that when you are in a relationship, no doubt complex, this kind of planning, intended to reduce your uncertainty, can actually increase your risk of failure.

As you invest time and resources into imagining the unknowable, opportunities sweep right past you.  As you strive to control the uncontrollable, you miss weak signals that hint at winning strategies.  As you plan for an unpredictable future, you are helpless in response to the present.

 There is a concept, called Adaptive Action that is based on the idea that you can’t wait to know before you act, because you can’t know until you act. (From The Social Psychology of Organizing  - ok, maybe not your typical relationship handbook, but some good points apply!)

Adaptive action involves three simple questions:  “What?”  “So what?”  And “Now What?”  

What is going on?  What patterns do you see in your relationship?  What seems to be constant, and what is changing? 

 So what does it mean?  What do you think the implications are of what you observed?  Are there unusual conditions shaping the patterns you observe, or rather not unusual, but perhaps slowly changing the “pattern” that you would prefer in your relationship?  Perhaps there are several interpretations – be open.  Then think of a few options for what you would change.

Now, what will you do to shift the pattern?  What are pros and cons of your options?  What is within your ability, your influence?  How will you know whether the action you might choose is successful?  And consider, when will you revisit your observations and options, and continue with adaptive action?

Sound easy? The challenge comes when day-to-day life distracts, or when your desire to predict and control distorts your views. But the positive results from organizing your stressful or worrisome thoughts into productive adaptive action will make your approach more agile, and help you deal with the uncertainty that sometimes comes with complex relationships. 

Relationship Shockers can always happen. But with an adaptive action approach, really looking at the paths and patterns of the relationship in the “now”, you can make a difference in affecting the changes in a realistic way.  You may find a healthy path replaces a rosy path — an A+ romantic idea!

Sure, there are many causes of a broken heart…

…but we would be willing to bet that often they begin or end with indifference.   This lazy offender usually takes hold of only one spouse in a marriage, but it’s attacks deeply wound the other. 

Sometimes the killer of relationships isn’t a lack of trust, a lack of communication or arguing with your significant other. It’s simple indifference.

A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It can survive the death of parents or the birth of a child. It can survive layoffs and career changes, of going back to school, or buying your first home together. It usually can survive the wedding, one of the most stressful things adults go through in their lives!  It can sometimes even survive an indiscretion.

Successful couples don’t always agree, but they let each other know what’s going on in their lives, and how they’re feeling (especially when their partner does something that sparks a particular emotional response in the other person). Relationships can even survive with poor communication.

What a relationship has real difficulty surviving is when two people have fallen into “autopilot” mode and become indifferent toward one another. Giving up entirely, when you feel nothing toward the other person, that’s a difficult thing to come back from. Communication appears to be taking place, but it’s just shallow talk — like two acquaintances who just met on a plane.

Think about it. Even when we argue, we communicate with the other person — we express our disappointment, hurt or anger for some perceived slight or harm. When we distrust our significant other (for whatever reason), it hurts because we care enough to want to trust them in the first place. Cheating hurts most people not because of the act itself, but because of the basic violation of trust and respect in the relationship. The fact that it hurts, however, signals we care. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt us.

Indifference is not caring what the other person does in the relationship. There are no arguments, so everything may appear okay on the surface. Arguing stops because you don’t care if you are right or wrong.  You don’t feel hurt by your spouse’s words or actions. Trust isn’t an issue, because you don’t care about earning or having mutual trust.

You interact every day in a vacuum where everything seems okay, because neither of you cares whether it is or not. It’s a perfect illusion that you both have silently agreed to live. Underlying causes of indifference can include simple loss of hope. Trying to connect and getting no response.  It leads to learned “helplessness” when you just can’t get any response from your partner after repeated efforts with no result.  So it’s not a relationship at that point anymore. And it’s hardly living.

Ideally, relationships help us not only love another human being, but grow as a person. They teach us lessons about life that otherwise would be difficult to learn, lessons about communication, listening, compromise, and at times giving selflessly of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Of learning to live with another human being and all that entails.

When we’ve closed ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring. We’ve shut off growth. We’ve shut off learning. And we’ve shut off life.

Indifference doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, however. If caught early enough, it’s a warning sign that something has gone horribly awry with the relationship, with caring about the other person. If both people in the relationship notice the warning signs and seek help (for instance, with a couples counselor), there’s a good chance the relationship can survive — if both become aware and want change.

Beware indifference in a relationship. If your automatic response to your significant other’s question always seems to be, “Whatever,” that may be a sign that it’s creeping up on you. If you still care about the other person in your life and your relationship’s future, you’ll pay attention to the signs…and take action.

For more background information: 5tweetsretweet  with Dr. John Grohol (CEO and founder of Psych Central). http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/28/how-indifference-can-kill-a-relationship/

Or is Your Marriage Good Enough…

Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.

 Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”

This fascinating take on evaluating your own marriage really is thought provoking. Our first reaction is that we are WAY BETTER than “good enough”.  Somehow the words “good enough” just don’t sound like the American Way.  But when you read the description – with words like “bored with their relationship” – should that lead to discarding a marriage?  Well, now it sounds a little too American;  if you don’t like it, throw it away and get another one! 

 It makes you wonder –a matter of asking yourself – am I being realistic about my expectations? Am I looking at what is motivating my expectations? Could I have a fixable marriage?

The truth is Perfection isn’t’ a reasonable expectation.  Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster), offers herself as an example. “In the early years of my marriage, I envisioned our lives as being joined at the hip. He didn’t,” she says. “At first I was miserable, but then I started going places by myself and I became much more independent. I never, ever would have done that had it not been for his stubbornness.”  Not to say that everyone has to become more independent, but rather we as individuals can learn from situations in a way that allows both partners to be stronger.  Much better than holding each other back!

There are 10 key questions you should read, about understanding your marriage.  They are from a fascinating article:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=23577452&GT1=32023

…which is well worth the read.  Here are just a few examples with the first 3 questions:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? Or because you’re convinced it’s the best you can do?

And consider that a marriage is constantly moving and changing. It is not a static state of perfection!   Looking at your own expectations, seeing what would change if your expectation was different, could be a huge step towards “good enough” and happiness.  Now that could be an A+ romantic idea!

Giving the Gift of your Attention in 3 Steps

Think of all the requests for your time, attention, and focus. Do you give yours away, wasting this precious resource?  We all feel it – the constant demand for our attention, the feeling of not having enough time.  We risk feeling overloaded, distracted, or just stressed out.  But our attention is our own precious resource. Do you notice where you spend yours?

Of course you have to spend your focus, your attention, on the daily requirements like your job, your commute, the things you must do. And there is no denying that keeping your bills paid and your boss happy does make the world go around. 

But in those other hours, the time you can call your own, is your attention focused on what is important to you?

 Do you reserve some focus for your relationship?  Or do you find you are distracted, spending time instead on social media, primetime’s latest thriller, or guilty pleasures like Sudoku or updating your choice list on Netflix?

If the time you spend on things defines you, have you defined what is important to you? There are just a few steps to making sure you decide where your focus is spent, and not have other attention grabbers defining you without your conscious decision.

1.  Limit the attention grabbers. Whether it is reading the latest news, browsing blogs, or updating facebook, make yourself choose how important it is in your life. Cut yourself off at 5 minutes! Make a choice for what is important.

2.  Choose what defines you. Real conversation with your spouse says a lot more about what is important to you.  Consciously decide that focused conversation with each other is important to your relationship.

3.  Become aware of distractions. Notice what pulls you away from what you decide is important. Have you stopped going to the gym together?  Not enough time to share each other’s day over coffee? Be aware so that you make a conscious decision to change and not let a missed promise to each other turn into a slowly changing, unnoticed distraction habit or pattern.

So give yourself a Time Out for your Relationship!  Notice your daily frantic pace, distraction or lack of focus. Spend your most precious resource on what is important to you – focus on your Relationship!  That daily point of focus –on each other — can give meaning to your day, so that all the other frantic attention grabbers of your day keep their place!

Where do Relationships fall on the Worry-Meter?

In a recently conducted LHJ.com poll, they found that 18% of readers worry about their relationship. 

http://www.ladieshomejournal-digital.com/ladieshomejournal/200908?pg=47#pg47

Now maybe that doesn’t sound too earth-shattering. After all, 46% worry about their job. (Another good reason not to mix romance and work – it ups the worry-anti to 64%)!  But what if you are in that percentile currently worrying about your relationship?

The LHJ.com poll goes on to say that 33% of us cope with our worries by creating an action plan; 25% exercise, 25% pray, and 17% eat a pint of ice cream.

Maybe we could also “dissect” what we mean by relationship worries. Is the picture at the top what comes to mind when you think worry? Or is it more like:

and this:

The key thing to remember about “worry”, when added to “relationship”, is the lack of a couple in your picture.  Worry is in one mind, un-communicated, restless and tense.  That’s why the idea of an action plan to cope with your worries about your relationship is a great first step.  In setting up an action plan, you may find TALKing to him/her is right up there at the top of your list.

Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easier to worry and keep it to yourself.  To actually voice the worry, might mean you could hear a response, like bad news. You begin to worry about facing the results of talking to him/her.  But this is where you discover NOT facing your worry means

• irritability
• difficulty concentrating
• muscle tension
• headaches 
• insomnia

and the list could go on.  You have to make a choice. Live with the worry, or readjust your view, and begin to believe that tomorrow is more likely to bring something wonderful than something frightening. (The Worry Cure by Robery Leahy, Ph.D.)  http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=The+Worry+Cure

 So consider a personal worry action plan that includes talking with your spouse/partner/date about your concern.  You know him/her best, so think about the best way to handle it – with humor? With coffee? On a weekend get-away? On a walk?  You’ll know which approach feels right.

But, just in case your lover doesn’t even sense a concern, and you have to face the fact that you might just be a worrier…if you aren’t sure, sleep on it, try giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and if things still look the same in a couple of days, then decide whether or not you need to put that worry on the table.

3 Challenges in the Relationship Olympics!

 Watching the Olympics’ is always uplifting – you see such dedication and persistence — Such commitment to a particular goal.  And teamwork that is unparalleled.  Sounds perfect for the Relationship Olympics…Take the Challenge!

Do these challenges sound familiar to you?

Challenge: Team members don’t build on each others’ strengths

Cost to your team… Lost opportunities for creative collaboration

 Challenge:  Individuals talk “at” each other without really connecting

Cost to your team… Frustration, stagnation, lost chance to improve

Challenge:   Multiple agendas compete

Cost to your team… Lack of synergy, focus, and progress

 Take those team challenges and create your own Relationship Olympics! And remind each other, before you start, that success will take persistence and teamwork and commitment to your goal.

Challenge 1: Spouses that don’t build on each others’ strengths….And the cost to the two of you? You guessed it – that creative collaboration could be a key component to a successful relationship!  Challenge your spouse to list off their greatest strength and what they see as your greatest strength. Then share your “strength” views of them and yourself.  This might be eye opening – and it might also give you a different way to look at the “building blocks” of your relationship.

 Or this could lead you to

 Challenge #2:  Couples talking “at” each other without really connecting…not hard to imagine the frustration, stagnation, and lost chances.

Both of you know the other one is not listening. Depending on the degree to which you can talk about it later, it might lead to a counseling session, or a decision to try a conversation with the ground rules.  Try the “you get 2 minutes” uninterrupted time to talk.  The response is based on “effective listening” rules – starting with – “what I think I hear you saying is…”  This can seem hard, but forcing a structure around a difficult conversation using effective listening can actually open you up to receive what you are saying to each other, instead of planning what you want to say next.

 Challenge 3:  You would think Olympic teams would have one goal, and not be plagued by multiple agendas.  But you might also say that about a couple.  And we know how multiple agendas pop up, at least in the day to day experience of life!  But just as it warns above – the cost from that lack of synergy and focus can really deplete your relationship. What do you do to rise above this challenge?

Well, the old “don’t go to bed angry isn’t a bad start! Any argument of separate agendas could be a good test.  You might need to step away and come back later, but together, write down what progress you would like to make on this issue.  Finding even a common goal of wanting to move forward to resolve it can shift the conversation.  Then you might need a refresher from Challenge 2 above!

At some point, all of us face one of these challenges. Instead of feeling frustration or anger, try thinking of it as a chance at the Relationship Olympics – something you can team up for, and using a few tools, you can both find Gold! 

 Build your Relationship to its Olympic Heights!!

Keeping It So Simple in your Relationship Planning for 2010!

Sometimes inspiration comes from unexpected places. Can you get Relationship Planning ideas from Business planning?

I have a friend who shared a blog/website about a company who helps understand human dynamics in business. While perusing a blog on Complicated versus Complex, it suddenly popped into a relationship context!

When looking into 2010, reviewing and renewing your relationship, it is not dissimilar to reviewing your past performance in 2009 at work, and then planning for the future.  In your relationship you can have just as many questions, just as many points you know could use improvement as your business planning process.

• Who’s got time for reflection?
• What should we focus on?
• What should we do with too many expectations and not enough resources?
• How will our environment change in the coming year?
• What patterns will influence us?
• What patterns will we influence?

And you can just as quickly feel overwhelmed with the array of questions you have, turning it into a very complicated process. The interesting analogy here is that while it seems complicated, it could just be complex, and that is a much better thing!

According to Royce Holladay from the Human Systems Dynamics Institute’s blog of December 28^th http://www.patternsatwork.blogspot.com/ Complex Planning can be simple! 

In general practice, complicated and complex are often used interchangeably, but they mean quite different things in the world of human systems dynamics.

• Complicated: composed of many parts; difficult to analyze or understand.
• Complex: emerging from repeated interactions of a few, simple parts or factors.

In fact, she would encourage you to make a single statement as to what you wish to accomplish in your relationship this year.  A single goal or value encompassing your relationship could lead to focus, and some simple repeated actions on both your parts that keep you improving/progressing.

Try one of these vision or goal statements:

• We believe kindness is important in our relationship
• Romance can increase this year
• We listen to each other
• We can take time for Us
• Focus on each other
• This the Year to renew our relationship
• We will enhance our connection
• Any wording that speaks to you both!

Simply find your vision or goal for the year, and choose a few simple actions you can both take/change to make it happen.

Simple statements that may take the complexity of your relationship and help you focus on some key patterns or interactions that will make a difference. And it can make looking ahead seem much less complicated! So, begin to influence the future of your relationship, by K.I.S.S.’ing as much as possible!