Out of the Box Dates Welcomes You! » Relationship mistakes

Indifference: The Heartbreak Culprit

admin — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 03:38:09 +0000

Sure, there are many causes of a broken heart…

…but we would be willing to bet that often they begin or end with indifference. This lazy offender usually takes hold of only one spouse in a marriage, but it’s attacks deeply wound the other.

Sometimes the killer of relationships isn’t a lack of trust, a lack of communication or arguing with your significant other. It’s simple indifference.

A relationship can survive most things if both people involved in it are committed to the other person and act with respect toward the other. It can survive the death of parents or the birth of a child. It can survive layoffs and career changes, of going back to school, or buying your first home together. It usually can survive the wedding, one of the most stressful things adults go through in their lives! It can sometimes even survive an indiscretion.

Successful couples don’t always agree, but they let each other know what’s going on in their lives, and how they’re feeling (especially when their partner does something that sparks a particular emotional response in the other person). Relationships can even survive with poor communication.

What a relationship has real difficulty surviving is when two people have fallen into “autopilot” mode and become indifferent toward one another. Giving up entirely, when you feel nothing toward the other person, that’s a difficult thing to come back from. Communication appears to be taking place, but it’s just shallow talk — like two acquaintances who just met on a plane.

Think about it. Even when we argue, we communicate with the other person — we express our disappointment, hurt or anger for some perceived slight or harm. When we distrust our significant other (for whatever reason), it hurts because we care enough to want to trust them in the first place. Cheating hurts most people not because of the act itself, but because of the basic violation of trust and respect in the relationship. The fact that it hurts, however, signals we care. If we didn’t care, it wouldn’t hurt us.

Indifference is not caring what the other person does in the relationship. There are no arguments, so everything may appear okay on the surface. Arguing stops because you don’t care if you are right or wrong. You don’t feel hurt by your spouse’s words or actions. Trust isn’t an issue, because you don’t care about earning or having mutual trust.

You interact every day in a vacuum where everything seems okay, because neither of you cares whether it is or not. It’s a perfect illusion that you both have silently agreed to live. Underlying causes of indifference can include simple loss of hope. Trying to connect and getting no response. It leads to learned “helplessness” when you just can’t get any response from your partner after repeated efforts with no result. So it’s not a relationship at that point anymore. And it’s hardly living.

Ideally, relationships help us not only love another human being, but grow as a person. They teach us lessons about life that otherwise would be difficult to learn, lessons about communication, listening, compromise, and at times giving selflessly of yourself and expecting nothing in return. Of learning to live with another human being and all that entails.

When we’ve closed ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring. We’ve shut off growth. We’ve shut off learning. And we’ve shut off life.

Indifference doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship, however. If caught early enough, it’s a warning sign that something has gone horribly awry with the relationship, with caring about the other person. If both people in the relationship notice the warning signs and seek help (for instance, with a couples counselor), there’s a good chance the relationship can survive — if both become aware and want change.

Beware indifference in a relationship. If your automatic response to your significant other’s question always seems to be, “Whatever,” that may be a sign that it’s creeping up on you. If you still care about the other person in your life and your relationship’s future, you’ll pay attention to the signs…and take action.

For more background information: 5tweets retweet with Dr. John Grohol (CEO and founder of Psych Central). http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/02/28/how-indifference-can-kill-a-relationship/

OLYMPIC CHALLENGE

admin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 05:27:50 +0000

3 Challenges in the Relationship Olympics!

Watching the Olympics’ is always uplifting – you see such dedication and persistence — Such commitment to a particular goal. And teamwork that is unparalleled. Sounds perfect for the Relationship Olympics…Take the Challenge!

Do these challenges sound familiar to you?

Challenge: Team members don’t build on each others’ strengths

Cost to your team… Lost opportunities for creative collaboration

Challenge: Individuals talk “at” each other without really connecting

Cost to your team… Frustration, stagnation, lost chance to improve

Challenge: Multiple agendas compete

Cost to your team… Lack of synergy, focus, and progress

Take those team challenges and create your own Relationship Olympics! And remind each other, before you start, that success will take persistence and teamwork and commitment to your goal.

Challenge 1: Spouses that don’t build on each others’ strengths….And the cost to the two of you? You guessed it – that creative collaboration could be a key component to a successful relationship! Challenge your spouse to list off their greatest strength and what they see as your greatest strength. Then share your “strength” views of them and yourself. This might be eye opening – and it might also give you a different way to look at the “building blocks” of your relationship.

Or this could lead you to

Challenge #2: Couples talking “at” each other without really connecting…not hard to imagine the frustration, stagnation, and lost chances.

Both of you know the other one is not listening. Depending on the degree to which you can talk about it later, it might lead to a counseling session, or a decision to try a conversation with the ground rules. Try the “you get 2 minutes” uninterrupted time to talk. The response is based on “effective listening” rules – starting with – “what I think I hear you saying is…” This can seem hard, but forcing a structure around a difficult conversation using effective listening can actually open you up to receive what you are saying to each other, instead of planning what you want to say next.

Challenge 3: You would think Olympic teams would have one goal, and not be plagued by multiple agendas. But you might also say that about a couple. And we know how multiple agendas pop up, at least in the day to day experience of life! But just as it warns above – the cost from that lack of synergy and focus can really deplete your relationship. What do you do to rise above this challenge?

Well, the old “don’t go to bed angry isn’t a bad start! Any argument of separate agendas could be a good test. You might need to step away and come back later, but together, write down what progress you would like to make on this issue. Finding even a common goal of wanting to move forward to resolve it can shift the conversation. Then you might need a refresher from Challenge 2 above!

At some point, all of us face one of these challenges. Instead of feeling frustration or anger, try thinking of it as a chance at the Relationship Olympics – something you can team up for, and using a few tools, you can both find Gold!

Build your Relationship to its Olympic Heights!!

6 Common Mistakes in a Relationship – Part 2

admin — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 20:45:05 +0000

Do You Prioritize Your Relationship?

Part Two – we’re back! With our favorite:

Common Mistake #4: Lack of romance

When we are first together as couples, we tend to be romantic. We ring up just to say ‘I love you’. We leave notes for each other to find. Unfortunately, real life can get in the way of romance, and we can find that we’ve lost the romantic habit without even realizing it.

Always kiss your partner before leaving the house. Hold hands when you watch television. Give each other compliments. Make sure you get out for a ‘date’ once a week – even if you have children and have to get a babysitter.

Common Mistake #5: Different attitudes to money

Sex and religion used to be the most difficult subjects for couples to tackle. Now, it seems to be money. So have a big ‘money conversation’ early on and often in a relationship to establish how various expenditures are going to be met.

It helps to have a joint account for all big outgoings like mortgages. But keep personal accounts so that what’s left after household expenses is yours to spend as you wish.

Talk about financial anxieties or irritations before they become major problems and they will be less likely to damage your relationship.

Common Mistake #6: Fear of Change

Sometimes our relationship fears make us afraid our partner will change; other times we fear he or she won’t at all. Even good changes can be hard to deal with. When familiar habits and routines are changed, we feel a sense of unease because we have adjustments to make, new routines to create.

Talking honestly about changes is the best way to deal with this common relationship problem. Discussing relationship fears, hopes, motivations, and practical issues will make changes blend in with the daily routine in a much smoother way. Even fighting about your feelings is better than repressing or stuffing them down.

6 Common Mistakes in a Relationship

admin — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 05:06:18 +0000

Relationship Problems – Do you prioritize your relationship?

Who hasn’t heard of Catch 22? It’s a term coined by Joseph Heller in his novel Catch-22, describing a paradox in rules, regulations, procedures, or situations which present the illusion of choice while preventing any real choice.

And what does this have to do with common mistakes in a relationship? It is possible all of us feel like we’re in a Catch 22 at some point in our relationship….feeling as if we have no choice. Could that be a driver leading us to make our most common mistakes?

Let’s leave it to the Ph.D’s, the Counselors, and the Advisors, to explain the drivers of common mistakes. Literally! A little online searching and you begin to see the repetition –revealing the most common mistakes. Let’s hear what the experts say!

Common Mistake #1: You avoid confrontation

Communication is often the solution to solving problems, so if you avoid talking about them, they’ll only get bigger. A small argument now is much better than a painful fight later. Avoiding confrontation also means agreeing with him/her dismissively but not sticking to your word. For instance, if she says, “Don’t fart around me,” and you say, “Okay,” mean it. Read more: http://love.ivillage.com/snd/sndcouplehood/0,,askmen_8sxsskqm-3,00.html#ixzz0WQIglvVK

Common Mistake #2: Forgetting “Thank you” and “I’m sorry”

This one is SO common, with so many entries, that you don’t need an expert to interpret it! But couldn’t resist the Web MD expert’s…Problem-solving strategies:

Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Make gestures of appreciation, compliment each other, and contact each other through the day.
Respect one another. Say “thank you,” and “I appreciate … .” It lets your partner know that he/she matters.
Read more: http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them?page=3

Common Mistake #3: Argue for or justify your want

Anxiety that your wants are not important enough to be satisfied may lead you to present them as a persuasive argument, with an overwhelming flood of reasons why you should want them or that the wants should be satisfied, (“I should get more of the money than you do, because …….”). This can provoke your partner to object and argue in return, rather than listen. Read more: http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/counseling/save-marriage/dr-romance-5-common-mistakes-in-relationships.aspx?artid=1606

Well, were those the first three Mistakes what you expected to see? Are you getting ready to argue?!! Hold that thought! And take a guess at the next three of The Six Common Mistakes in a Relationship. We invite you to comment and leave your guesses. Check back in the next 3 or 4 days, for the unveiling of the final 3 Common Mistakes!!