When Relationships are a Puzzle

Over time in a relationship, you become comfortable with each other and flow along with shared interests and activities.  At some point, though, circumstances change, and fireworks – or an argument – arises. The relationship moves into a dangerous time of conflict. 

Ultimately, the issue is resolved or forgotten, and you return to a new level of shared experience and a mutually satisfying relationship.  That may be what your head tells you, but how does your heart deal with the moment of time when you are caught in this puzzle, and can’t see the future? How does your heart feel, when you are are in a daily routine, with no expectation of change.

The relationship path is predictable in its general shape, but in any moment it is truly unpredictable. Does one ever know whether the next moment brings reassurance or surprise? No, so a good partner is constantly aware of circumstances, as well as the needs of self and other.

When things are calm, it is easy to fall into habits . We can ignore our relationship because it is pretty much the same as it was before.  And we can thrive in that comfort zone – at least for a while.  Sometimes though, we need to be critical of our own assumptions. We need to think carefully and clearly about what we see and what it means. We need to communicate with each other to test our assumptions.

In times of conflict  in your relationship,  just being aware may not be enough.  And making a decision in the midst of uncertainty can feel like standing on the edge of cliff and stepping off into empty space. We don’t know what the future holds. We don’t know how our partner will respond to our actions, and we have no idea what other factors might affect us.

So how do you thrive during times of conflict? Or comfort?

We never know for sure. Nevertheless, we must act. To stand in inaction, frozen in fear of the unknown, is to lose the opportunity to engage in the learning and growth of  our relationship.

So maybe it is just a decision to be ready and eager to step off the cliff and into the unknown. To know that whatever surprises the future holds, you can meet them with open eyes, thoughtful meaning , and sufficient courage to thrive on the shifting complex landscape of improved relationships.  Maybe, after all, it is all about choice and attitude!  And the desire to take adaptive action, and engage with the emerging changes in your relationship.

Looking for a guarantee – on the rosy relationship path?

The truth is, you cannot anticipate possible shocks to the relationship.  You cannot control the free will of your partner.  In essense, the future is unknowable. 

 Nevertheless, you feel compelled to make decisions, even take action, to achieve your rosy picture.  But your understanding of what could become a relationship issue is incomplete and your picture of the future is fuzzy.  What are your choices when you’re confronted with relationship uncertainty?

You might assume all you need to do is some mental preparation:  a thoughtful (or obsessive!) list of scenarios that could happen in the relationship and then thinking through how you will respond to each of these possible scenarios.  (Raise your hand if you have done that in the middle of the night!!) Name your worst fear, right?!

Can you prepare yourself for the bumps in your relationship?  Are there steps you can take that willl decrease any surprises?  The problem is that when you are in a relationship, no doubt complex, this kind of planning, intended to reduce your uncertainty, can actually increase your risk of failure.

As you invest time and resources into imagining the unknowable, opportunities sweep right past you.  As you strive to control the uncontrollable, you miss weak signals that hint at winning strategies.  As you plan for an unpredictable future, you are helpless in response to the present.

 There is a concept, called Adaptive Action that is based on the idea that you can’t wait to know before you act, because you can’t know until you act. (From The Social Psychology of Organizing  - ok, maybe not your typical relationship handbook, but some good points apply!)

Adaptive action involves three simple questions:  “What?”  “So what?”  And “Now What?”  

What is going on?  What patterns do you see in your relationship?  What seems to be constant, and what is changing? 

 So what does it mean?  What do you think the implications are of what you observed?  Are there unusual conditions shaping the patterns you observe, or rather not unusual, but perhaps slowly changing the “pattern” that you would prefer in your relationship?  Perhaps there are several interpretations – be open.  Then think of a few options for what you would change.

Now, what will you do to shift the pattern?  What are pros and cons of your options?  What is within your ability, your influence?  How will you know whether the action you might choose is successful?  And consider, when will you revisit your observations and options, and continue with adaptive action?

Sound easy? The challenge comes when day-to-day life distracts, or when your desire to predict and control distorts your views. But the positive results from organizing your stressful or worrisome thoughts into productive adaptive action will make your approach more agile, and help you deal with the uncertainty that sometimes comes with complex relationships. 

Relationship Shockers can always happen. But with an adaptive action approach, really looking at the paths and patterns of the relationship in the “now”, you can make a difference in affecting the changes in a realistic way.  You may find a healthy path replaces a rosy path — an A+ romantic idea!

Or is Your Marriage Good Enough…

Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.

 Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”

This fascinating take on evaluating your own marriage really is thought provoking. Our first reaction is that we are WAY BETTER than “good enough”.  Somehow the words “good enough” just don’t sound like the American Way.  But when you read the description – with words like “bored with their relationship” – should that lead to discarding a marriage?  Well, now it sounds a little too American;  if you don’t like it, throw it away and get another one! 

 It makes you wonder –a matter of asking yourself – am I being realistic about my expectations? Am I looking at what is motivating my expectations? Could I have a fixable marriage?

The truth is Perfection isn’t’ a reasonable expectation.  Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster), offers herself as an example. “In the early years of my marriage, I envisioned our lives as being joined at the hip. He didn’t,” she says. “At first I was miserable, but then I started going places by myself and I became much more independent. I never, ever would have done that had it not been for his stubbornness.”  Not to say that everyone has to become more independent, but rather we as individuals can learn from situations in a way that allows both partners to be stronger.  Much better than holding each other back!

There are 10 key questions you should read, about understanding your marriage.  They are from a fascinating article:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=23577452&GT1=32023

…which is well worth the read.  Here are just a few examples with the first 3 questions:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? Or because you’re convinced it’s the best you can do?

And consider that a marriage is constantly moving and changing. It is not a static state of perfection!   Looking at your own expectations, seeing what would change if your expectation was different, could be a huge step towards “good enough” and happiness.  Now that could be an A+ romantic idea!

Giving the Gift of your Attention in 3 Steps

Think of all the requests for your time, attention, and focus. Do you give yours away, wasting this precious resource?  We all feel it – the constant demand for our attention, the feeling of not having enough time.  We risk feeling overloaded, distracted, or just stressed out.  But our attention is our own precious resource. Do you notice where you spend yours?

Of course you have to spend your focus, your attention, on the daily requirements like your job, your commute, the things you must do. And there is no denying that keeping your bills paid and your boss happy does make the world go around. 

But in those other hours, the time you can call your own, is your attention focused on what is important to you?

 Do you reserve some focus for your relationship?  Or do you find you are distracted, spending time instead on social media, primetime’s latest thriller, or guilty pleasures like Sudoku or updating your choice list on Netflix?

If the time you spend on things defines you, have you defined what is important to you? There are just a few steps to making sure you decide where your focus is spent, and not have other attention grabbers defining you without your conscious decision.

1.  Limit the attention grabbers. Whether it is reading the latest news, browsing blogs, or updating facebook, make yourself choose how important it is in your life. Cut yourself off at 5 minutes! Make a choice for what is important.

2.  Choose what defines you. Real conversation with your spouse says a lot more about what is important to you.  Consciously decide that focused conversation with each other is important to your relationship.

3.  Become aware of distractions. Notice what pulls you away from what you decide is important. Have you stopped going to the gym together?  Not enough time to share each other’s day over coffee? Be aware so that you make a conscious decision to change and not let a missed promise to each other turn into a slowly changing, unnoticed distraction habit or pattern.

So give yourself a Time Out for your Relationship!  Notice your daily frantic pace, distraction or lack of focus. Spend your most precious resource on what is important to you – focus on your Relationship!  That daily point of focus –on each other — can give meaning to your day, so that all the other frantic attention grabbers of your day keep their place!

Where do Relationships fall on the Worry-Meter?

In a recently conducted LHJ.com poll, they found that 18% of readers worry about their relationship. 

http://www.ladieshomejournal-digital.com/ladieshomejournal/200908?pg=47#pg47

Now maybe that doesn’t sound too earth-shattering. After all, 46% worry about their job. (Another good reason not to mix romance and work – it ups the worry-anti to 64%)!  But what if you are in that percentile currently worrying about your relationship?

The LHJ.com poll goes on to say that 33% of us cope with our worries by creating an action plan; 25% exercise, 25% pray, and 17% eat a pint of ice cream.

Maybe we could also “dissect” what we mean by relationship worries. Is the picture at the top what comes to mind when you think worry? Or is it more like:

and this:

The key thing to remember about “worry”, when added to “relationship”, is the lack of a couple in your picture.  Worry is in one mind, un-communicated, restless and tense.  That’s why the idea of an action plan to cope with your worries about your relationship is a great first step.  In setting up an action plan, you may find TALKing to him/her is right up there at the top of your list.

Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easier to worry and keep it to yourself.  To actually voice the worry, might mean you could hear a response, like bad news. You begin to worry about facing the results of talking to him/her.  But this is where you discover NOT facing your worry means

• irritability
• difficulty concentrating
• muscle tension
• headaches 
• insomnia

and the list could go on.  You have to make a choice. Live with the worry, or readjust your view, and begin to believe that tomorrow is more likely to bring something wonderful than something frightening. (The Worry Cure by Robery Leahy, Ph.D.)  http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=The+Worry+Cure

 So consider a personal worry action plan that includes talking with your spouse/partner/date about your concern.  You know him/her best, so think about the best way to handle it – with humor? With coffee? On a weekend get-away? On a walk?  You’ll know which approach feels right.

But, just in case your lover doesn’t even sense a concern, and you have to face the fact that you might just be a worrier…if you aren’t sure, sleep on it, try giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and if things still look the same in a couple of days, then decide whether or not you need to put that worry on the table.

3 Challenges in the Relationship Olympics!

 Watching the Olympics’ is always uplifting – you see such dedication and persistence — Such commitment to a particular goal.  And teamwork that is unparalleled.  Sounds perfect for the Relationship Olympics…Take the Challenge!

Do these challenges sound familiar to you?

Challenge: Team members don’t build on each others’ strengths

Cost to your team… Lost opportunities for creative collaboration

 Challenge:  Individuals talk “at” each other without really connecting

Cost to your team… Frustration, stagnation, lost chance to improve

Challenge:   Multiple agendas compete

Cost to your team… Lack of synergy, focus, and progress

 Take those team challenges and create your own Relationship Olympics! And remind each other, before you start, that success will take persistence and teamwork and commitment to your goal.

Challenge 1: Spouses that don’t build on each others’ strengths….And the cost to the two of you? You guessed it – that creative collaboration could be a key component to a successful relationship!  Challenge your spouse to list off their greatest strength and what they see as your greatest strength. Then share your “strength” views of them and yourself.  This might be eye opening – and it might also give you a different way to look at the “building blocks” of your relationship.

 Or this could lead you to

 Challenge #2:  Couples talking “at” each other without really connecting…not hard to imagine the frustration, stagnation, and lost chances.

Both of you know the other one is not listening. Depending on the degree to which you can talk about it later, it might lead to a counseling session, or a decision to try a conversation with the ground rules.  Try the “you get 2 minutes” uninterrupted time to talk.  The response is based on “effective listening” rules – starting with – “what I think I hear you saying is…”  This can seem hard, but forcing a structure around a difficult conversation using effective listening can actually open you up to receive what you are saying to each other, instead of planning what you want to say next.

 Challenge 3:  You would think Olympic teams would have one goal, and not be plagued by multiple agendas.  But you might also say that about a couple.  And we know how multiple agendas pop up, at least in the day to day experience of life!  But just as it warns above – the cost from that lack of synergy and focus can really deplete your relationship. What do you do to rise above this challenge?

Well, the old “don’t go to bed angry isn’t a bad start! Any argument of separate agendas could be a good test.  You might need to step away and come back later, but together, write down what progress you would like to make on this issue.  Finding even a common goal of wanting to move forward to resolve it can shift the conversation.  Then you might need a refresher from Challenge 2 above!

At some point, all of us face one of these challenges. Instead of feeling frustration or anger, try thinking of it as a chance at the Relationship Olympics – something you can team up for, and using a few tools, you can both find Gold! 

 Build your Relationship to its Olympic Heights!!

Keeping It So Simple in your Relationship Planning for 2010!

Sometimes inspiration comes from unexpected places. Can you get Relationship Planning ideas from Business planning?

I have a friend who shared a blog/website about a company who helps understand human dynamics in business. While perusing a blog on Complicated versus Complex, it suddenly popped into a relationship context!

When looking into 2010, reviewing and renewing your relationship, it is not dissimilar to reviewing your past performance in 2009 at work, and then planning for the future.  In your relationship you can have just as many questions, just as many points you know could use improvement as your business planning process.

• Who’s got time for reflection?
• What should we focus on?
• What should we do with too many expectations and not enough resources?
• How will our environment change in the coming year?
• What patterns will influence us?
• What patterns will we influence?

And you can just as quickly feel overwhelmed with the array of questions you have, turning it into a very complicated process. The interesting analogy here is that while it seems complicated, it could just be complex, and that is a much better thing!

According to Royce Holladay from the Human Systems Dynamics Institute’s blog of December 28^th http://www.patternsatwork.blogspot.com/ Complex Planning can be simple! 

In general practice, complicated and complex are often used interchangeably, but they mean quite different things in the world of human systems dynamics.

• Complicated: composed of many parts; difficult to analyze or understand.
• Complex: emerging from repeated interactions of a few, simple parts or factors.

In fact, she would encourage you to make a single statement as to what you wish to accomplish in your relationship this year.  A single goal or value encompassing your relationship could lead to focus, and some simple repeated actions on both your parts that keep you improving/progressing.

Try one of these vision or goal statements:

• We believe kindness is important in our relationship
• Romance can increase this year
• We listen to each other
• We can take time for Us
• Focus on each other
• This the Year to renew our relationship
• We will enhance our connection
• Any wording that speaks to you both!

Simply find your vision or goal for the year, and choose a few simple actions you can both take/change to make it happen.

Simple statements that may take the complexity of your relationship and help you focus on some key patterns or interactions that will make a difference. And it can make looking ahead seem much less complicated! So, begin to influence the future of your relationship, by K.I.S.S.’ing as much as possible!

Like any New Year’s Resolution you have made in your life, you’ve experienced the forcefulness in wishing to make the desired change work.  And you’ve experienced how it can be lost in the blink of an eye as you find a) real life gets in the way; b) negativity steps in; c) massive rationalization starts. Pick one! For a humorous look at how resolutions are made to be broken, try http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/live-it/made-to-be-broken.html.

But there are many who believe setting goals is a good thing, even if you only do it once a year.  And romantic goal setting together could really pay off! Making romantic goals together can help you focus your time and energy on what is important to you both in your relationship.

So perhaps this is the year you should sit down together.  If you have a tried and true goal setting system, apply it to your relationship.  If you need some steps getting started, try these, adapted from http://www.howtodothings.com/family-and-relationships/a3968-how-to-make-and-keep-a-new-years-resolution.html

1. Take a relationship inventory together. Take stock of where you are, and what you would both like in your relationship in the coming year.
2. Be reasonable. Daydream for a while, but then look at what is practical and achievable.
3. Go on record. Write down your goal/s. Commit to each other. If you have another couple who cares about you both, share it with them too!
4. Have checkpoints. Break down your goals into do-able chunks and set mini goals for reaching them.  Celebrate small goal accomplishments!
5. Rearrange things.  You might need a new approach, plan, or process to achieve your checkpoints. Be open to shifting things together.
6. When necessary, get back on the horse.  Even if you notice you’ve missed a checkpoint or fallen out of your new process, don’t give up, just renew.  Failure isn’t from stopping; it’s from not starting again! 

So take this Romantic Idea challenge…be romantically resolute! And don’t break your New Year’s romantic resolutions.  Keep them alive and share your resolutions with us…We’d love to hear each one! 

I do believe there is a secret to keeping your relationship strong. Many of you may doubt this?

 Well, admittedly, there are probably many amazingly unique and great relationships. And undoubtedly they have many similar factors. And you would probably agree they include the ability to:

• Communicate
• Empathize
• Dedicate time to the relationship
• Listen

 But still – there is another truth dangling out there. It is elusive, but there is a secret to a great relationship.

 A tiny little secret.

The SECRET is:  Do a good turn daily. 

 You see? It is tiny, and simple. But sometimes elusive…to remember.   Do something kind for your spouse/significant other, each day. Sometimes it comes easily. Sometimes you may have to work at it. 

 How do you get there? How do you achieve a great relationship using this secret? It can be in the tiniest changes.  Here are a few suggestions on where to look:  

• When you pour yourself coffee, or make a cup of tea or cocoa, make one for him/her too
• When the toilet paper roll finishes, replace it before leaving the bathroom
• If you stop to pick up groceries, get a tiny treat s/he likes
• Do one of the chores you don’t usually do – like collect the trash or hang a picture
• Get your kids in on it – they’ll think of great ideas!

 Take baby steps. Just try it for a week.  Watch for your spouse’s reaction.  It may amaze you! 

Are you the Ultimate Romantic? No gesture is too corny, no whimsy to be denied. You take chances, and are open to ideas from any romance source, real, cinematic, or literary.  You’ll be the one who dangles rose petals to create a boudoir tent in your bedroom, years after the wedding! Or get married on a beach at sunset! You love thoughtful, unusual, and unique touches to express your love. Well, you will adore this entire website – check it out – more romance than even YOU can imagine! Enjoy!

 Romantic Snapshot CHALLENGE ~ Take a mental snapshot of something positive you notice about your love and before you go to bed that night, describe that snapshot in detail to your love.  For example: Today you were standing behind the kitchen counter totally unaware that I was watching you.  You had on your brown sweater.  Your hair was messy in the cutest way.  You were leaning over to help Johnny with his homework.  Your gentleness and beauty made my heart skip a beat. 

Are you the Sincere Romantic? You are comfortable with romantic gestures; you use them thoughtfully. Your love is enormous, and you never forget a special day.  But perhaps life gets in the way from time to time? Or perhaps you rely on the tried and true romantic expressions?  You are also the type of romantic who will find nirvana with Out of the Box Dates. The creative dates will bounce you out of the ordinary, and you can thoughtfully select the best match for your extra romantic gesture!

Panoramic CHALLENGE ~ Widen your lens, as you look for something to do for your partner in a decidedly un-standard way.  You could ask him/her what their favorite date from your early years was, and recreate it; or if you do love notes from time to time, try a love note puzzle…and leave pieces for him/her to find just to tantalize!

You may consider yourself the Practical Romantic.  After all, the dog has to be walked anyway, why not ask her to join you for a stroll!  Or perhaps romance is breakfast in… the kitchen.  But you made it yourself (from a box of muffins that was about to expire?)  There is nothing wrong with practical romance, especially if you are with another no-nonsense person! But anyone will enjoy a surprise, or an unexpected romantic gesture. And it is very practical if you can find something that takes the work out of it, and has a track record of success! An Out of the Box Date gives you practical access to add a little spice to your relationship!

Capture the Moment CHALLENGE ~ Look for opportunities to be impulsive, not practical.  When you are walking through the kitchen, take your love in your arms and dance even if there is no music playing.  For 2 days, make it your mission to look for such opportunities.  Each time you think of one… act on it!!  Don’t just think about and then go back to the task at hand or watching TV.  Be spontaneous!

There is a type out there that doesn’t get romance. You may go out to dinner, and just talk about problems at work, or the way the dog trainer isn’t helping Rex’s behavior. You may forget anniversaries, and never purchase fresh-cut flowers. ANY relationship needs a little more care and feeding than this! You need someone to tell you exactly what to do, to successfully pull off a romantic gesture. You’re in luck! Out of the Box Dates is perfect for you! Start shopping!!

Picture This CHALLENGE ~ Set the scene for romance for no reason at all.  Light candles, put on soft music, and take 10 minutes just to sit together and hold hands, talking about nothing but special memories together, complimenting one another, dreams, etc.

The truth is, you may be a unique combination of any of the 4 Romantic Pictures. And you may vary between all 4 in the same year!  Clear your mind and take an honest appraisal of your Romantic Profile…by taking the Romance Meter Quiz!  http://www.outoftheboxdates.com/romance-quiz.php  And while you are at it, take a moment to let us know if there is another Romantic profile we have missed – we’d love to hear your story. How do you show your Romantic Side?