You can’t reach what you don’t define!

Everyone believes in goals. You have to know what your goal is, and then take steps, mini-goals even, to help you achieve that goal.  It works for careers; it works for education. So how about a Love Goal? Why not take steps, to achieve the relationship you want.

Relationships can seem like a puzzle. And you aren’t sure what step to take next. Or you’ve been in it awhile, and you stopped looking for other pieces.  Don’t think of your relationship as a puzzle;  consider the time-honored success of setting a goal – your Love Goal.

Goals help you focus your time and efforts.  You achieve so much more than when you are unfocused.  Unfocused, diffused energy means just passing time as many people do with their relationships.  Goals help you establish priorites. Instead of just going with the flow and letting  other interests determine where you end up, you consciously decide which way to go.

A few hours of focused time, and you will see and feel the success of making your relationship a priority.

Simple goals:  Hold hands during a walk…find  a reason to encourage or compliment your partner…suprise them with their favorite piece of candy…decide together that you will take 2 hours each week to set your relationship goals or review them — and set new ones.

Goals provide a way to focus and concentrate your time and energy into carefully chosen targets that you designed or the two of you designed together, to make significant positive impacts in your relationship.

 Don’t wait another minute! Spend some time together and set a few small starter goals or a goal statement for your relationship renewal!

Looking for a guarantee – on the rosy relationship path?

The truth is, you cannot anticipate possible shocks to the relationship.  You cannot control the free will of your partner.  In essense, the future is unknowable. 

 Nevertheless, you feel compelled to make decisions, even take action, to achieve your rosy picture.  But your understanding of what could become a relationship issue is incomplete and your picture of the future is fuzzy.  What are your choices when you’re confronted with relationship uncertainty?

You might assume all you need to do is some mental preparation:  a thoughtful (or obsessive!) list of scenarios that could happen in the relationship and then thinking through how you will respond to each of these possible scenarios.  (Raise your hand if you have done that in the middle of the night!!) Name your worst fear, right?!

Can you prepare yourself for the bumps in your relationship?  Are there steps you can take that willl decrease any surprises?  The problem is that when you are in a relationship, no doubt complex, this kind of planning, intended to reduce your uncertainty, can actually increase your risk of failure.

As you invest time and resources into imagining the unknowable, opportunities sweep right past you.  As you strive to control the uncontrollable, you miss weak signals that hint at winning strategies.  As you plan for an unpredictable future, you are helpless in response to the present.

 There is a concept, called Adaptive Action that is based on the idea that you can’t wait to know before you act, because you can’t know until you act. (From The Social Psychology of Organizing  - ok, maybe not your typical relationship handbook, but some good points apply!)

Adaptive action involves three simple questions:  “What?”  “So what?”  And “Now What?”  

What is going on?  What patterns do you see in your relationship?  What seems to be constant, and what is changing? 

 So what does it mean?  What do you think the implications are of what you observed?  Are there unusual conditions shaping the patterns you observe, or rather not unusual, but perhaps slowly changing the “pattern” that you would prefer in your relationship?  Perhaps there are several interpretations – be open.  Then think of a few options for what you would change.

Now, what will you do to shift the pattern?  What are pros and cons of your options?  What is within your ability, your influence?  How will you know whether the action you might choose is successful?  And consider, when will you revisit your observations and options, and continue with adaptive action?

Sound easy? The challenge comes when day-to-day life distracts, or when your desire to predict and control distorts your views. But the positive results from organizing your stressful or worrisome thoughts into productive adaptive action will make your approach more agile, and help you deal with the uncertainty that sometimes comes with complex relationships. 

Relationship Shockers can always happen. But with an adaptive action approach, really looking at the paths and patterns of the relationship in the “now”, you can make a difference in affecting the changes in a realistic way.  You may find a healthy path replaces a rosy path — an A+ romantic idea!

Giving the Gift of your Attention in 3 Steps

Think of all the requests for your time, attention, and focus. Do you give yours away, wasting this precious resource?  We all feel it – the constant demand for our attention, the feeling of not having enough time.  We risk feeling overloaded, distracted, or just stressed out.  But our attention is our own precious resource. Do you notice where you spend yours?

Of course you have to spend your focus, your attention, on the daily requirements like your job, your commute, the things you must do. And there is no denying that keeping your bills paid and your boss happy does make the world go around. 

But in those other hours, the time you can call your own, is your attention focused on what is important to you?

 Do you reserve some focus for your relationship?  Or do you find you are distracted, spending time instead on social media, primetime’s latest thriller, or guilty pleasures like Sudoku or updating your choice list on Netflix?

If the time you spend on things defines you, have you defined what is important to you? There are just a few steps to making sure you decide where your focus is spent, and not have other attention grabbers defining you without your conscious decision.

1.  Limit the attention grabbers. Whether it is reading the latest news, browsing blogs, or updating facebook, make yourself choose how important it is in your life. Cut yourself off at 5 minutes! Make a choice for what is important.

2.  Choose what defines you. Real conversation with your spouse says a lot more about what is important to you.  Consciously decide that focused conversation with each other is important to your relationship.

3.  Become aware of distractions. Notice what pulls you away from what you decide is important. Have you stopped going to the gym together?  Not enough time to share each other’s day over coffee? Be aware so that you make a conscious decision to change and not let a missed promise to each other turn into a slowly changing, unnoticed distraction habit or pattern.

So give yourself a Time Out for your Relationship!  Notice your daily frantic pace, distraction or lack of focus. Spend your most precious resource on what is important to you – focus on your Relationship!  That daily point of focus –on each other — can give meaning to your day, so that all the other frantic attention grabbers of your day keep their place!

Where do Relationships fall on the Worry-Meter?

In a recently conducted LHJ.com poll, they found that 18% of readers worry about their relationship. 

http://www.ladieshomejournal-digital.com/ladieshomejournal/200908?pg=47#pg47

Now maybe that doesn’t sound too earth-shattering. After all, 46% worry about their job. (Another good reason not to mix romance and work – it ups the worry-anti to 64%)!  But what if you are in that percentile currently worrying about your relationship?

The LHJ.com poll goes on to say that 33% of us cope with our worries by creating an action plan; 25% exercise, 25% pray, and 17% eat a pint of ice cream.

Maybe we could also “dissect” what we mean by relationship worries. Is the picture at the top what comes to mind when you think worry? Or is it more like:

and this:

The key thing to remember about “worry”, when added to “relationship”, is the lack of a couple in your picture.  Worry is in one mind, un-communicated, restless and tense.  That’s why the idea of an action plan to cope with your worries about your relationship is a great first step.  In setting up an action plan, you may find TALKing to him/her is right up there at the top of your list.

Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easier to worry and keep it to yourself.  To actually voice the worry, might mean you could hear a response, like bad news. You begin to worry about facing the results of talking to him/her.  But this is where you discover NOT facing your worry means

• irritability
• difficulty concentrating
• muscle tension
• headaches 
• insomnia

and the list could go on.  You have to make a choice. Live with the worry, or readjust your view, and begin to believe that tomorrow is more likely to bring something wonderful than something frightening. (The Worry Cure by Robery Leahy, Ph.D.)  http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?WRD=The+Worry+Cure

 So consider a personal worry action plan that includes talking with your spouse/partner/date about your concern.  You know him/her best, so think about the best way to handle it – with humor? With coffee? On a weekend get-away? On a walk?  You’ll know which approach feels right.

But, just in case your lover doesn’t even sense a concern, and you have to face the fact that you might just be a worrier…if you aren’t sure, sleep on it, try giving your partner the benefit of the doubt, and if things still look the same in a couple of days, then decide whether or not you need to put that worry on the table.

3 Challenges in the Relationship Olympics!

 Watching the Olympics’ is always uplifting – you see such dedication and persistence — Such commitment to a particular goal.  And teamwork that is unparalleled.  Sounds perfect for the Relationship Olympics…Take the Challenge!

Do these challenges sound familiar to you?

Challenge: Team members don’t build on each others’ strengths

Cost to your team… Lost opportunities for creative collaboration

 Challenge:  Individuals talk “at” each other without really connecting

Cost to your team… Frustration, stagnation, lost chance to improve

Challenge:   Multiple agendas compete

Cost to your team… Lack of synergy, focus, and progress

 Take those team challenges and create your own Relationship Olympics! And remind each other, before you start, that success will take persistence and teamwork and commitment to your goal.

Challenge 1: Spouses that don’t build on each others’ strengths….And the cost to the two of you? You guessed it – that creative collaboration could be a key component to a successful relationship!  Challenge your spouse to list off their greatest strength and what they see as your greatest strength. Then share your “strength” views of them and yourself.  This might be eye opening – and it might also give you a different way to look at the “building blocks” of your relationship.

 Or this could lead you to

 Challenge #2:  Couples talking “at” each other without really connecting…not hard to imagine the frustration, stagnation, and lost chances.

Both of you know the other one is not listening. Depending on the degree to which you can talk about it later, it might lead to a counseling session, or a decision to try a conversation with the ground rules.  Try the “you get 2 minutes” uninterrupted time to talk.  The response is based on “effective listening” rules – starting with – “what I think I hear you saying is…”  This can seem hard, but forcing a structure around a difficult conversation using effective listening can actually open you up to receive what you are saying to each other, instead of planning what you want to say next.

 Challenge 3:  You would think Olympic teams would have one goal, and not be plagued by multiple agendas.  But you might also say that about a couple.  And we know how multiple agendas pop up, at least in the day to day experience of life!  But just as it warns above – the cost from that lack of synergy and focus can really deplete your relationship. What do you do to rise above this challenge?

Well, the old “don’t go to bed angry isn’t a bad start! Any argument of separate agendas could be a good test.  You might need to step away and come back later, but together, write down what progress you would like to make on this issue.  Finding even a common goal of wanting to move forward to resolve it can shift the conversation.  Then you might need a refresher from Challenge 2 above!

At some point, all of us face one of these challenges. Instead of feeling frustration or anger, try thinking of it as a chance at the Relationship Olympics – something you can team up for, and using a few tools, you can both find Gold! 

 Build your Relationship to its Olympic Heights!!

Tell us YOUR romantically unusual  Dates!

 Yes, this blog post is about the Secret to the Unusual Date, but in preparation for Valentines Day, we’d love to get some real life examples of your romantically unusual Valentine’s Day dates! Please email your Best or Worst unusual Valentine’s Date to  romance@outoftheboxdates.com. Your submission will remain anonymous!

So what do we mean by unusual?

Truly, there are some unusual dates out there. Don’t have the stomach to take tango lessons together?  Not considering the tandem sky diving lessons that have popped up?  Whether your partner is married to you, or you are planning a date with someone new, it is courageous to desire to create the unusual date!  Dinner and a Movie couldn’t be more passé, not to mention you don’t get to converse while watching a movie!

 So how do you make it unusual without making it a turn-off?

The key is in unlocking your observational skills and looking for unique things you have noticed about your date or spouse. Think about his/her interests or hobbies or a chance remark about travel. A personalized approach to date planning is endearingly appreciated by the recipient! 

Need some suggestions to get you started?  Well, here are a few unusual date ideas:

•  S/he nurtures a desire to paint? Try an art school where you can enroll together for a workshop – include a kit of some painting supplies as your invite!
• Does S/he love reading?  Ask at your local bookstore about an author- reading coming up.  You could tuck the invitation inside a copy of a book by that author.
• Perhaps cooking is a favorite? Try looking for a local high-end cooking store. Many of them offer “event” classes, like a couples cooking class, or a special menu preparation class (you just watch & eat) combined with live music or a classic film.  You could copy off a description of the class event registration and slide it in a basket of cooking goodies.
• A fashion guru?  Do some googling or check with local boutiques asking about any upcoming fashion galas (could be only once a year – so planning required!)
• You uncover that s/he loves the idea of a trip to Africa or the Amazon. It may not be the same, but s/he will appreciate your surprise visit to a zoo. Many zoo’s offer special events for new members – buy her/him a membership and see!
• And of course, not all of us can create something out of thin air – and that is why Out Of The Box Dates is such a great idea! Check it out! http://www.outoftheboxdates.com/romantic-adventure-shop.php

Once you think of something that you are sure s/he is interested, work through your friends – connections- brainstorm- to create a truly unique and personal date. It’s a great romantic gesture, practically guaranteed to be not only an Unusual Date, but a success! And the key to their heart!

Keeping It So Simple in your Relationship Planning for 2010!

Sometimes inspiration comes from unexpected places. Can you get Relationship Planning ideas from Business planning?

I have a friend who shared a blog/website about a company who helps understand human dynamics in business. While perusing a blog on Complicated versus Complex, it suddenly popped into a relationship context!

When looking into 2010, reviewing and renewing your relationship, it is not dissimilar to reviewing your past performance in 2009 at work, and then planning for the future.  In your relationship you can have just as many questions, just as many points you know could use improvement as your business planning process.

• Who’s got time for reflection?
• What should we focus on?
• What should we do with too many expectations and not enough resources?
• How will our environment change in the coming year?
• What patterns will influence us?
• What patterns will we influence?

And you can just as quickly feel overwhelmed with the array of questions you have, turning it into a very complicated process. The interesting analogy here is that while it seems complicated, it could just be complex, and that is a much better thing!

According to Royce Holladay from the Human Systems Dynamics Institute’s blog of December 28^th http://www.patternsatwork.blogspot.com/ Complex Planning can be simple! 

In general practice, complicated and complex are often used interchangeably, but they mean quite different things in the world of human systems dynamics.

• Complicated: composed of many parts; difficult to analyze or understand.
• Complex: emerging from repeated interactions of a few, simple parts or factors.

In fact, she would encourage you to make a single statement as to what you wish to accomplish in your relationship this year.  A single goal or value encompassing your relationship could lead to focus, and some simple repeated actions on both your parts that keep you improving/progressing.

Try one of these vision or goal statements:

• We believe kindness is important in our relationship
• Romance can increase this year
• We listen to each other
• We can take time for Us
• Focus on each other
• This the Year to renew our relationship
• We will enhance our connection
• Any wording that speaks to you both!

Simply find your vision or goal for the year, and choose a few simple actions you can both take/change to make it happen.

Simple statements that may take the complexity of your relationship and help you focus on some key patterns or interactions that will make a difference. And it can make looking ahead seem much less complicated! So, begin to influence the future of your relationship, by K.I.S.S.’ing as much as possible!

Like any New Year’s Resolution you have made in your life, you’ve experienced the forcefulness in wishing to make the desired change work.  And you’ve experienced how it can be lost in the blink of an eye as you find a) real life gets in the way; b) negativity steps in; c) massive rationalization starts. Pick one! For a humorous look at how resolutions are made to be broken, try http://www.powderroomgraffiti.com/live-it/made-to-be-broken.html.

But there are many who believe setting goals is a good thing, even if you only do it once a year.  And romantic goal setting together could really pay off! Making romantic goals together can help you focus your time and energy on what is important to you both in your relationship.

So perhaps this is the year you should sit down together.  If you have a tried and true goal setting system, apply it to your relationship.  If you need some steps getting started, try these, adapted from http://www.howtodothings.com/family-and-relationships/a3968-how-to-make-and-keep-a-new-years-resolution.html

1. Take a relationship inventory together. Take stock of where you are, and what you would both like in your relationship in the coming year.
2. Be reasonable. Daydream for a while, but then look at what is practical and achievable.
3. Go on record. Write down your goal/s. Commit to each other. If you have another couple who cares about you both, share it with them too!
4. Have checkpoints. Break down your goals into do-able chunks and set mini goals for reaching them.  Celebrate small goal accomplishments!
5. Rearrange things.  You might need a new approach, plan, or process to achieve your checkpoints. Be open to shifting things together.
6. When necessary, get back on the horse.  Even if you notice you’ve missed a checkpoint or fallen out of your new process, don’t give up, just renew.  Failure isn’t from stopping; it’s from not starting again! 

So take this Romantic Idea challenge…be romantically resolute! And don’t break your New Year’s romantic resolutions.  Keep them alive and share your resolutions with us…We’d love to hear each one!