Or is Your Marriage Good Enough…

Paul Amato, Ph.D., professor of sociology, demography, and family studies at Penn State, conducted a 20-year study on 2,000 subjects who started off married, and says 55 to 60 percent of divorcing couples discard unions with real potential.

 Most of these people say they continue to love their betrothed but are bored with the relationship or feel it hasn’t lived up to their expectations. “It’s important to recognize that many of these marriages would improve over time,” Amato says, “and most of them could be strengthened through marital counseling and enrichment programs.”

This fascinating take on evaluating your own marriage really is thought provoking. Our first reaction is that we are WAY BETTER than “good enough”.  Somehow the words “good enough” just don’t sound like the American Way.  But when you read the description – with words like “bored with their relationship” – should that lead to discarding a marriage?  Well, now it sounds a little too American;  if you don’t like it, throw it away and get another one! 

 It makes you wonder –a matter of asking yourself – am I being realistic about my expectations? Am I looking at what is motivating my expectations? Could I have a fixable marriage?

The truth is Perfection isn’t’ a reasonable expectation.  Michele Weiner Davis, author of The Divorce Remedy (Simon & Schuster), offers herself as an example. “In the early years of my marriage, I envisioned our lives as being joined at the hip. He didn’t,” she says. “At first I was miserable, but then I started going places by myself and I became much more independent. I never, ever would have done that had it not been for his stubbornness.”  Not to say that everyone has to become more independent, but rather we as individuals can learn from situations in a way that allows both partners to be stronger.  Much better than holding each other back!

There are 10 key questions you should read, about understanding your marriage.  They are from a fascinating article:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprah.aspx?cp-documentid=23577452&GT1=32023

…which is well worth the read.  Here are just a few examples with the first 3 questions:

1. Are you exaggerating the negatives? For the next two months mark the good and bad days on your calendar to get a reality check.

2. Have you already left the marriage by emotionally withdrawing? Or by giving up all attempts to make the relationship better? If so, can you find a way to reengage?

3. Do you get so angry that you hit each other or throw things at least once a month? If the answer is yes, are you hanging on to a terrible relationship because you’re afraid of being alone? Or because you’re convinced it’s the best you can do?

And consider that a marriage is constantly moving and changing. It is not a static state of perfection!   Looking at your own expectations, seeing what would change if your expectation was different, could be a huge step towards “good enough” and happiness.  Now that could be an A+ romantic idea!